


Until you can't run anymore

by SonataNocturne



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Prostitution, Angst, Dubious Consent, FWUCollections, Feels, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, References to Drugs, Sexual Abuse, Slash, Triggers, Unsafe Sex
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-09
Updated: 2019-08-30
Packaged: 2019-09-15 04:20:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 26,641
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16926399
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SonataNocturne/pseuds/SonataNocturne
Summary: Josh was a mess. He had always been. But he didn't know any other way.-Work in progress. I try to write a new chapter every week-





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Hey. Yes, the prologue is short. And yes, some tags are not yet relevant. I will also add them as I go and warn in chapters.

\---------

 

Quickly clothes back on and ready to leave. He waited patiently, reluctantly. Scared to really say anything. The guy looked at him like he was an inconvenience. Like he wasn't supposed to be there in the first place. Nothing new to him really.

 

“Hey dude, what about my money”, he finally said as his hoodie was thrown at him. It smelled horrible and he wondered was it because of the floor where it had been for half an hour, or himself.

 

“I don’t care. You aren’t even worth that. Get out!” the guy waved his hand towards the door.

 

And so he did. Just not to aggravate him more. Standing there outside the building he refused to look back when he heard the door slam shut behind him. He started to pull the hoodie on, to cover his frame from the pouring rain. The words shouldn't have even surprised him. Why would he be worth the money?

 

Dropping his chin down to his chest he started the walk back home. The place where he slept and showered usually, but it didn’t really paint a picture that he thought a home would look like. But at least he was safe there. And dry. He pulled the hood over his head and crossed another street.

 

The walk was long, or short, depending on who you would ask. A normal person with clean, dry clothes and a nice life it would be a long one. For him, the outcast that had had to learn to live inside his mind when it was the only place that offered him some company, with already soaked clothes and fractured spirit it was a short walk. Nothing he hadn’t seen before. 

 

Streets glowing dark in the rain, all lights looking crooked and smothered he kept his eyes on his surroundings. Just like normally. There were devils everywhere, and not always the worst ones were inside his mind.

 

Only when he reached his apartment he could let his guard down. Kicking his shoes off the first thing he did was to check was there warm water. As he was pleasantly surprised he stripped down quickly leaving the clothes in a pile, knowing he would have to wash them finally and then stepped under the warm stream. Letting the water run down his face and wash away the stickiness on his skin he didn’t want to think the source of he shivered involuntarily. Eyes closing he enjoyed the tiny moment of relief the hot water offered for him. Then he picked up the tiny soap bar that reminded him what it was to not have even money for soap and turned his back to the mirror on the wall. He didn’t want to see his sad face that would only tell him what a failure he was. Nor the scars on his body. He knew they were there. Huffing to himself he washed quickly and closed then the stream. Then a towel around his waist, hair still dripping water on the ugly floor and he was ready.

 

Walking to the tiny space that had a fridge, counter and a portable gas stove he chewed his lip. Even if he was sure there was nothing in the fridge he still opened it. Like something would have appeared magically there. Staring at the light inside it for a while he gave up with a sigh. Raking his dark hair that could have used a haircut weeks ago he went to check the door was secure. Turning off the lights he walked to his bed. A mattress on a floor. And he was even lucky enough to have sheets and a pillow. Deciding he could wash the clothes the next day he tossed the towel on a chair, the only one he had, and pulled the covers over himself.

 

Squinting he managed to see how much the clock was, as the faint light from the streetlamp painted streaks through the cracks in the blinds. The watch that he had gotten from his sister just before she had passed away was his only property that actually meant something. More than his own life to him. Placing it on the floor next to the mattress he let out a heavy sigh. Another day passed and another day ahead.

 

That was his life. Because he didn’t have another one to trade to.

 

\----------


	2. Everything is fine

 

 

\---------

 

Another day in his life that looked exactly the same as the day before. He left the dirty clothes to soak and picked up clean ones. Just black tight jeans that were ripped maybe more than they should have been and a black long-sleeved shirt and with them a black hoodie. He should have probably cared more about what the clients thought of his clothes, but so far the jeans had been fine. The hoodie was mostly for the cold night and to cover his frame when he wanted to hide away.

 

Remembering the fridge was still empty he grabbed his wallet and while exiting the apartment counted how much he had money there. He was lucky the rain had stopped and now only random puddles reminded him of yesterday. Walking to downtown he kept his eyes again on his surroundings. Same time blocking all the irrelevant out, and making sure nothing could surprise him. Music would have been a good company but he didn’t have money to buy a device for it. On his apartment, he had a tiny box of CDs. The ones he couldn’t sell. Not even at the times when he didn’t know when he would get his next meal. Same thing with his watch. Tiny items that reminded him of times when everything was right. When his life was worth something.

 

When he reached the familiar place, that one he most liked to work in, he popped into a tiny shop on the other side of the street. Scanning through the shop and wishing he would have money for a soda later he grabbed a plain bagel, his favorite bubble gum and the cheapest granola bar he could find. After he had paid and gotten a pitying look from the cashier he walked out and around the corner to an alleyway which would be dark during the night. He would save his favorite spot to later when there would be more potential clients. Glancing his clock he sat down and pulled the hood over his head. Still a long while before there would be any people around so he could as well take a nap. Rather there than alone in his apartment. Here there would be people and noises. Things to distract his thoughts. He leaned against the wall, ate the bagel quickly while his stomach kept complaining how it would not be enough for dinner and breakfast and closed his eyes then. Listening to the cars drive by he dropped his head on top of his arms, pulled his knees to his chest and fell soon to a restless sleep.

 

“Oi! Dude!” he woke up to someone poking his shin with a foot.

 

“Leave me alone, I’m on a break”, he mumbled not raising his head. Lies, but he didn’t care. The person wouldn’t probably care either. He could feel the presence still hovering over him, but he kept his head down. They would give up soon. They always did.

 

And so did this one too. After a long annoying while, he could hear a pair of feet retreating and he was finally alone again. Sighing to himself he tried to catch the sleep again.

 

But it didn’t last long since the presence was soon back, now sitting next to him. He cringed at himself while trying to figure out any excuse he wouldn’t have to work yet. He needed the money, badly. But the cold asphalt was too comfortable now and thinking about last night and it repeating itself again made him want to vomit.

 

“Are you cold?” the voice asked and his frown got deep.

 

“No.”

 

“Well, I can practically see you shivering so…”

 

And now he had to raise his head. There was a pair of dark curious eyes staring at him. Head covered with a hood too and fingers holding a can of RedBull which was pushed towards him.

 

“I’m…” he was about to say he is okay, just fine. But maybe it was someone invading his personal space, or the fact that there was something being offered him that would obviously lead to something being asked in return, that made him annoyed.

 

“Yeah I know a cold RedBull might not be the best idea when you are feeling cold, but you see my theory is that you are feeling cold because you are tired. So, take it”, the guy said.

 

Now he didn’t honestly know even what to do. He was intrigued but still, the idea of returning the favor was nagging in the back of his mind.

 

“Come one. It won’t bite you”, the other rolled his eyes but let out a tiny laughter.

 

“Why?” Josh took the can and opened it instantly, like fearing it would be soon taken away from him, but couldn’t stop the question. Staring, his face dead-pan he needed an answer.

 

“I told you. You are tired”, the guy shrugged looking rather genuine, which confused Josh even more.

 

Gulping the delicious cold nectar that he hadn’t gotten to taste in ages he tore his eyes away from the guy realizing that he probably shouldn’t stare.

 

“So. Why are you sitting in my corner in the first place? Haven’t seen you here before?

 

 _Huh? His corner?_  Josh thought. Not that there really was any corners anyway where he lived, but he didn’t want to step on anyone’s toes either. Staying away and trying to survive to the next day was enough for him.

 

“Uhm… I don’t… I just saw that it was quiet here so I decided to take a nap”, Josh answered.

 

He had never been really honest with his job at first when he met people. Just because people either thought something weird of him or just ended the whole conversation there. Nor did it never come up this quickly when he met a new person.

 

“It’s not really a problem, but don’t wonder if people come to ask a dose from you. They know I am here at this hour and usually until I can’t stand any more”, the other explained.

 

 _Oh. Oh, he is a drug dealer. That explains it_ , Josh was a tiny bit relieved.

 

“No, I really just thought this was a good place for a nap. But I’ll leave soon”, Josh shook his head vigorously and sipped his drink.

 

“Like I said it’s okay. I just couldn’t ignore you either. I am Tyler by the way”, the guy said and now there was a hand that waited to be shaken.

 

He stared at the hand and swallowed thickly. There was still the voice reminding him that people didn’t do favors and not expect anything back. Then the other thing was that no one ever talked to him even that kindly. The guy seemed to be genuinely nice, no hidden agenda what so ever. And he hated it. He rather took the hate and got used to it, than took the kindness that was after all always taken away.

 

But he shook the hand. “I’m Josh.”

 

“So what are you doing here. In my corner. I mean at all here in the streets”, the smile that curled Tyler’s lip was rather inviting and soon he noticed himself saying that exact thing he thought he never would in the first meeting.

 

“I’m a whore.”

 

 _Whoa. Blunt. Straightforward. But he is a drug dealer so he shouldn’t care,_  he thought instantly as the words fall from his lips, tiny bit of regret nagging him.

 

“Aren’t we all”, Tyler nodded smiling.

 

 _Well, that’s one way to put it but you are still not doing what I am,_ Josh's mind continued but he nodded slightly back.

 

He was just waiting for the moment when the guy would stop smiling, or just back away and leave but there he still was. Sitting next to him. Biting his lip he checked the watch and realized he should get to his spot.

 

“Uhm… Thanks for the drink”, he said and placed the empty can between them like some sort of thank you.

 

“No problem at all. I think that means you are leaving then?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Well, I am here if you wanna talk or so. Gets lonely easily”, Tyler shrugged and Josh wondered could he be even more confused than he had been, but apparently he could.

 

Staring at the other he got up and pulled the hood down from his head raking the dark strands with his fingers. Even if his hair would need a cut, it was still liked amongst the clients. Curling on the ends and messy. He liked to get it dyed too, but if he didn't have money for food he certainly did not have it for hair-dye. Picking up one strip of bubble gum he crossed the street and walked to his usual spot, still nervously glancing over his shoulder to see was the other looking at him. He shouldn't have been so surprised when the dark eyes followed his stroll, but there it was still. No one had even paid as much attention to him. Not more than what they wanted. And sometimes, even rather usually, they did it just to get something from him. Which was the reason why it still bothered him that he had been given a drink just like that.

 

Chewing the gum he sighed and turned his eyes to the road. That part of the town was busy, but that particular street was known for a low-speed limit. The cars driving by slowed down too, leaving him time to check the driver and make eye contact. The other thing the part of the town was known for was the drugs and prostitutes. But there was only one other guy so he had never had problems. He didn't have any competition with them. The other guy was short and really muscular and way older than him. And stayed on the other end of the street.

 

But here he was again. And he honestly could say that he didn't hate his job. He hated most of the clients. He hated the money that was never consistent. He hated the hours in the cold nights waiting for someone that never came. Or waiting for someone that then treated him like trash. It wasn't new to him. He had already gotten used to his worth, which was nothing. You really get used to anything when you don't have any other choice. And he hated the fact that he never knew what his next one would be like.

 

"Hey cupcake", there was a voice from a car that had stopped on the road.

 

Glancing quickly around he approached the car and got in as he was gestured. Occasionally he didn't bother to stop the client and explain his prices because he had a feeling that it wouldn't matter. Like now. The guy looked like he knew what he wanted and instantly squeezed his thigh when he closed the door behind him. So if he only would contain himself and not throw in some crazy price it would be fine for the other.

 

And that was again the point when he didn’t know what was going to happen next. It could go well, or horribly wrong and the only thing helping him in the worst situations was the tiny switchblade in his pant pocket. Larger wouldn’t even fit there.

 

“I have a motel room just nearby. Is that okay for you? Just… I don’t know… an hour?” the guy asked and the hand disappeared from his leg. It had been more like a reassuring gesture than anything else. And he actually seemed to also wait for his answer even though he kept driving.

 

He looked at the guy. Maybe in his thirties. Nothing striking or abnormal in his looks.

 

“That’s okay”, he mumbled turning his head away. Fiddling with his nose ring he thought for a second before getting back to the other. “So uhm… like 50?”

 

“Yeah. Cool. This is awkward since I really don’t do this… stuff”, the guy let out a laughter.

 

Josh nodded and closed himself off again to his own world. It was okay. It was perfectly okay and the guy seemed nice. But he was anything than okay because there was always the  _but._  The time when he would be okay definitely was when he would back at his apartment. But meanwhile, he would keep the wall up and pretend to be there. To actually care about the person next to him.

 

“You look sad”, the guy said.

 

 _And there went that. I really need to focus_ , he thought.

 

“I’m fine”, the words fell from his mouth naturally. Nothing new there.

 

\-----------


	3. Better off alone

\----------

 

 

His eyes flew open as the panic choked him. Gasping for air, trying to fill his lungs again he floundered on his knees and to the corner of the room like trying to escape whatever was causing his feeling. Rubbing his face he blinked once, then twice and cringed when the cold shiver ran down his spine.

 

"Just a nightmare Josh", he mumbled under his breath, trying to calm himself down.

 

He didn't always panic when he saw the nightmares. Occasionally he woke up his skin gleaming from the cold sweat but the actual nightmare felt like a distant memory. And then once in a while, he woke up feeling like choking, the fear making his skin tingle. But it was just a dream. Just a dream and he was okay now.

 

Listening to the dripping on his kitchen faucet he finally managed to get himself calm. Swallowing thickly he crawled back beside his bed and checked the clock. It was only eight in the morning and as he did usually really late shifts he had slept only a few hours. Pondering should he try to get some more sleep he decided the nightmare was too strong in his mind so that he could really sleep well now.

 

With a sigh, he got to his feet and went to a cardboard box that contained almost everything he owned, which was the clothes. After choosing from the few options he had he placed them on the mattress and the wristwatch on top of them and headed to the shower. Carefully testing the stream that splashed on the dirty tiles a tiny sarcastic smile tug his lip when the water turned warm slowly and then further to hot. For once he had paid his bills, but the building was so old that occasionally it was just because of the old pipes that the water didn't come out warm. Lucky for him it usually didn't last for more than a few days.

 

Standing under the water the familiar heaviness spread over him and he had to close his eyes again and try to chase it away. He should have been used to it, but somehow it always felt different. And it wasn't even something that would follow the nightmare. Just a thing always there, lingering.

 

Using the tiny soap piece he washed. Intentionally his hands skipped all the scars in his body. Everything except the ones that reminded him of happy days. The weird diamond shaped one on his knee that he got when he was a five year old and managed to flip his tricycle over to a curb. And the burn mark on his arm that he got from an oven tray. His mom had been baking cookies and he didn't remember the tray was hot when he reached for one. Then the one that was just a dot on his elbow where a pebble got stuck in when he fell playing basketball with his sister when he was ten years old. After that, the memories got blurry and finding a happy one was really hard.

 

But now he reminded himself that all was in the past. Happiness. The family. The times when he had no worries. Closing the faucet he shook his head and picked up the towel. Ignoring the mirror and the sad face that would have stared back at him he walked to the kitchen and filled a glass with water. After he had drunk that he dried his hair to the towel and started to dress up ignoring the shirt that got stuck to his skin that was still slightly wet. Then the wallet, keys and he was ready. Turning off the lights he pulled his shoes to his feet and left.

 

The sun was shining and it was rather warm. Not that it would lift his spirits, but at least waiting for the clients would be more tolerable. He walked straight towards his favorite shop to get some breakfast. His mind went back to the first night when he was standing in the rain for hours. He had no money and hadn't had it for a few days. That was the only reason he forced himself to stay there. When he finally got a client he was too exhausted to argue or fight back. And when he headed back home with a little bit of money on his pocket rubbing the sore arm that the guy had pulled he swore he would never again wait in the pouring rain for hours for something like that. Until came the next time and he had no other choice.

 

But it wasn't a new thing for him either. Once he had thought he could never fuck someone for money but here he was. Once he had thought he would never let himself get abused but still it happened. And once he thought that he wouldn't have to escape his thoughts but yet that was exactly what he did.

 

"Is that all?" the cashier asked and he felt a sting.

 

It was a genuine question. The one that the cashiers always asked. But now his coffee, granola bar, and an apple looked abnormal. Normal to him, abnormal to every other person. And his stomach crumbled, agreeing that he should eat more. He nodded and placed the money to the cashier's hand before she even said the total amount. He knew how much it was. Just because he had had to count again that he had also money later for a dinner.

 

Sipping his coffee from the cardboard cup he pushed the granola bar to his hoodie pocket. He walked down the street to his spot and sat on the ground. He would have plenty of time still. At least that he assumed. Occasionally he was picked up by a random client at this time of the day too, but generally, they came when the night started to fall. Leaning against the tiles he glanced around. The sun shone bright and he squinted his eyes. It was really warm and after hesitating a while he rolled up his sleeves. Biting his lip he ran a hand through his hair. It would be a long day and he knew it. That pretty days were as bad as the rainy ones. Best ones to work were the ones when it wasn't too cold nor too hot. Not horrible enough to stay inside, not pretty enough to go outside and socialize.

 

But he really didn't care. He was used to it. So used that it made him often numb. And now the sun wouldn't even warm him up enough. Not his cold bones. Not enough to chase the numbness away. But he did enjoy the warmth on his skin and closed his eyes. Picking up the apple he ate his meal that would be the only one in hours. With the granola bar. He always hated that he didn't know when was the next meal. When was really anything next. But this, sitting there the sun on his face, was a tiny thing he could focus on. A glimpse of relief in the middle of his dark thoughts.

 

He didn't know how long had he stayed there, the coffee cup empty and the apple core, when his hearing focused to a skateboard and how it approached him. Rattling on the uneven ground it crossed the street and then suddenly slowed down while it got closer.

 

"Oh! Hi!"

 

 _Wait... That's... No. Oh no, not again,_  he thought when he realized how the voice was familiar.

 

"So, this is you then, huh. Your corner", the guy said and Josh could feel he sat next to him now, leaning the skateboard against the wall.

 

When he stayed silent, trying to figure out what to say in his confusion rather than ignoring the other which was his second option, the guy sighed heavily.

 

"Sorry, it just gets lonely here. I really don't mean to interrupt your... uhm" Tyler said and Josh opened his eyes to see the guy staring at the apple core that was on the ground next to him, waiting to be thrown to the trash.

 

"Breakfast. Lunch. And... that. Why do you care?" Josh answered watching those eyes that scanned his features. Instantly he second-guessed his tone that might have been too harsh. Especially when Tyler probably didn't even mean to point out his crappy eating habits that weren't his choice.

 

But Tyler didn't even seem to notice his tone, nor the fact that he shifted slightly away from the other who sat next to him. "Well, you looked lonely. But I am too. And it's pretty much deserted at this time of the day."

 

"Well", Josh said stopping then. Was he really lonely? He hadn't really even thought about it. Maybe he was so used to being alone that he didn't realize he missed the relationships. Or maybe he was just better without everyone.

 

"So you live around here?" Tyler changed the subject before Josh even managed to properly answer.

 

Raising his eyebrow Josh nodded. He felt weird that someone was paying so much attention to him. The guy was nice. He wasn't used to people treating him that way. "Yeah. The old red building that's right next to the big crossroads. You know, where is the maple tree in the corner."

 

"I know that. Yeah... I live on the same street but further away from the city center. But you're not from here?"

 

That question. Now Josh didn't know would he want to tell anything. He was a private person. And Tyler seemed curious. But on the other hand, him admitting that he wasn't from there wouldn't really reveal anything too private. Too invasive. Because that point when people knew the real him they left. He wasn't then worth their time anymore.

 

"No, I'm not. I moved here when I was sixteen."

 

"That's cool. I was nineteen when I moved but I am from here. What do you do when you are not working?" Tyler asked and shifted.

 

 _What do I do when I am not working?_  Josh thought and his mind went blank.  _Nothing. I do nothing. I try to survive to the next day. Every day. That's the only thing that I do._

 

"I don't... Nothing really. I used to read. And I like to play drums. But I sold everything to move here so I don't..." Josh shrugged his voice disappearing to the thin air.

 

"That's a shame. So you... have the flat and nothing else?"

 

"Yeah."

 

That. Only that. Box of clothes, some pictures without frames and an old diary which he didn't dare to open because it was the nest of the monsters he was trying to escape. But throwing it away didn't come to question either. And then he had the necessities in the kitchen which didn't include much. Not that he even really ate there.

 

Tyler stayed silent and he glanced at him. He seemed to be pondering something and Josh felt instantly weird. He didn't know the guy, but still, he was scared already that he would think he was some kind of a weirdo. Which he was, but he just didn't want Tyler to think like that.

 

"That means you need something in your life", Tyler nodded like he had made up a plan.

 

The confusion fogged his brains when he wondered what that meant but then there was a honk on the street and his attention was drawn there. The window rolled down and he was greeted with a smile and a wink. It was still early, which confused him a lot and the guy noticed it right away.

 

"I have tried to approach you but every time I... get cold feet. So now I stopped the thinking and just went for it. Coming from work and I drive by almost daily", the guy said same time trying to talk so loud that Josh would hear and same time trying to keep his voice down so that others wouldn't, obviously feeling embarrassed.

 

"I need to..." Josh mumbled and got to his feet.

 

"Go go, we talk later. I'll be on my spot", Tyler nodded smiling.

 

Josh ignored his weird feeling that the smiling caused and approached the car. The guy waited for him patiently, looking excited when he opened the car door and got in.

 

"So uhm... Sorry, I came this early. I don't know do you work already so you can tell me... and I can come back later. I think I could", the guy said and laughed nervously.

 

"No, I am he now aren't I", Josh shook his head. It surely didn't matter to him what time of the day he had his clients. At least now he would have some proper money for the dinner.

 

"Great. Not my first time with a guy but I don't..."

 

"Do this. Yeah", he answered. He had heard it so many times. It was hard to believe that he was always the first one, but he knew that many told the truth.

 

They agreed with the price and the guy started to drive to his place. While chitchatting with random, meaningless stuff Josh had the time to scan the other. The guy was obviously on his early twenties and super nervous still. Blond hair, piercing brown eyes and sharp facial features, but the smile was genuine and it softened his features.

 

"Do you want to go to shower or..." he was asked when they arrived at the guy's apartment.

 

"No, I'm okay."

 

"This is awkward", the other mumbled fiddling with his necklace that portrayed a skeleton hand. Tiny detail Josh knew he would remember.

 

 _It always is. And it's my job to make him comfortable but I hate it when I don't feel that even myself,_  Josh thought. He really had to dig up that professional him again, but he liked more that the clients made the initiative.

 

After fighting with his emotions inwardly he approached the guy and started to kiss him slowly.

 

"I thought... you people don't kiss", the guy said breathlessly, already turned on when Josh directed them towards the tiny bed.

 

 _You people. Well, that's a new way to say it,_  Josh thought pulling his hoodie off and tossing it to the floor.

 

"I do. It doesn't mean a thing to me. Just lips touching. What I don't do is fall in love", he answered and let the guy pull him to the bed too.

 

 _Ever. Never fall in love_. Because there is no love that would fight his demons. And they always left. Always.

 

 

\--------


	4. But you don't really want that

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey all. Sorry, this took me crazy long to update. Writer's block and other fandom blah blah, but no excuses. We are here now. Uhm, tiny bit of a content warning here. Also the tags are updated.

 

\----------

 

 

_Blood. So much. There's so much blood that the scent is piercing. It makes your nostrils flare. Bitter. It's the copper, right? And it's so red. Not orangey like in movies. Not that cheap special effect stuff. But that dark red, almost violet, was something else. How can red be so dark? It's inviting, drawing you in. And it's sticky. Blood is sticky. But you wouldn't know that because you haven't touched blood. Except that you have. But it's not you. Not really you. And now you are there. And you are suffocating. You are definitely suffocating. There's so much blood and you don't know where it comes from. You don't. But it's on your hands and on your shirt and it's on your everything.  
_

 

"Fuck", Josh woke up to a gasp. His own one. Not fair. Absolutely not fair. It wasn't the time for his nightmares. Not like this. Glancing at the busy street and how no one noticed him, like usual, he brought his concentration back to his breathing. It was too erratic, but not too bad really. Breathing in and then out he focused then to the street. Nothing really there, but the glimpse of normality pulled him back down. It was weird. Just a moment of another truth and he had been so far gone. He tried to remind him that it was the past and he was here now. But it was still there, nagging in the back of his mind and reminding about every mistake he had ever made.

 

"Josh! I was waiting for you", there was that voice again that he didn't want to accept to his life.

 

"How do you even remember my name", Josh mumbled and watched as Tyler sat next to him.

 

"Josh", the other repeated the name like tasting the letters on his tongue, "Easily! It suits you so well."

 

Josh's brows furrowed as he pondered for that. He had never even thought about it that way before.

 

"So, when do you have a free day?" Tyler asked and pushed a Red Bull can to his lap. Just casually leaving it there, like he had borrowed it and was now returning it.

 

Josh stared at the can. He didn't get it. It was clearly for him, but Tyler seemed like he didn't want to make a fuzz out of it. So instead of offering it he just slipped it to his lap and probably hoped that it was fine like that. But Tyler didn't know how Josh took these things. For he nothing in life came free. If he got something it was either taken away from him or he had to pay for it later. Even this tiny thing, a can of Red Bull, seemed like a huge deal. Just because it always lead to bigger things. So now he was confused. It was a second time Tyler was this nice to him.

 

"Like maybe on weekend?" Tyler continued when he didn't answer.

 

"Huh? Oh... Uhm. I don't really", Josh mumbled. As in he had to work every day to get enough money to live. Because sometimes there were days that he didn't have any clients at all.

 

"But maybe you could? We have a party on Saturday. You could come?"

 

_Me? To a party? He is seriously inviting me to a party,_  Josh was blown away. Tyler was staring at him, waiting for an answer with an encouraging smile on his lips.

 

"O-kay", he answered unsurely and as the word left his lips he realized he really shouldn't. He didn't know Tyler. He didn't know any that would be there, most likely. And what if he hated to be there? He most likely would. And then it would be rude to leave.

 

"Great! There's really no exact time but I could like meet you at ten in the corner? It's at my place so it's not long to walk."

 

But he had already said he would go. And Tyler’s eyes were sparkling. Which was totally weird too. They didn’t even know each other.

 

“So uhm…  Don’t fret. I know you don’t know anyone and blah blah. It’s still okay. If you don’t like it there I don’t feel bad if you want to leave”, Tyler said.

 

_And how the heck does he read my thoughts?_  Josh wondered.

 

“Okay”, he answered barely audibly.

 

It was hard to let anyone close. He was sick of the repetitive pattern that always lead to him getting abandoned. It was so much easier to be alone by his own choice. And besides- if people always left him didn’t it mean they didn’t like him? Sometimes you need to get to the realisation to find the peace. And sometimes it really wasn’t even peace but horrible emptiness.

 

“I don’t… Uhm. I didn’t even ask last time do you like Red Bull. So if you don’t, I can pick up something else”, Tyler said suddenly blushing slightly.

 

“Oh, no it’s fine”, Josh shook his head and surprised even himself that he managed to draw a smile on his face.

 

“Great”, Tyler nodded and got up, “See you on Saturday then?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

He didn’t even know why he felt so weird. Tyler left and the same time he was relieved and same time sad. The company was nice, but he felt still so awkward with the other. Which made him wonder how would he endure the party. And what was is going to be like. Party would mean different things to every people.

 

But the few days passed by and soon he found himself wondering was his black hoodie and black ripped jeans too casual. And then he felt stupid as he watched Tyler approach him on the crossroads. No one would even notice what he wore, so he should just stop thinking about it. And when he got out of that thought the next one attacked. He didn’t have anything with him. Was he supposed to bring something? Usually, there was food and alcohol in parties. Now his hands that he pushed to his hoodie pocket felt really empty. And it was too late to even ask since Tyler was in front of him and gestured to the direction he came from. On the other hand, he wouldn’t have even had money to bring anything so maybe it was a good thing. Now he didn’t need to come up with an excuse.

 

“Dude, chill”, Tyler poked him and he flinched.

 

He didn’t realise he looked that nervous. And now he was even more nervous since Tyler had noticed it. Chewing his lip he cast his eyes down to the dirty pavement. Tyler told quickly about his friends that seemed nice to Josh. But he didn't really care. He knew he was the awkward one. He always was. Even the fact that Tyler was talking to him was weird. But then again, he had barely told even his name. There wasn't really anything for Tyler to grasp onto. Or the opposite really, not anything that would push him away.

 

"So you're gay?" Tyler said as they approached a building.

 

"Huh?" Josh frowned.

 

"Well I have never known a male prostitute that isn't", the other shrugged.

 

"Right... Yeah. And you know many?" Josh asked. He was rather curious how big of a deal Tyler was. He didn't know other drug dealers but he was sure Tyler wasn't the only one.

 

"It's the business. I know many people. Well, or not so well."

 

After a silent moment Tyler opened his mouth again, "Is it a problem?"

 

Josh frowned again. He couldn't keep up anymore.

 

"You being gay?"

 

_A problem? Why would it be a problem? He didn't have anyone who it could be a problem to. Not anymore._

 

"Not anymore", Josh mumbled and followed Tyler inside.

 

The apartment was small on crowded. At first he thought it was too crowded for his liking, as in not even place to sit and hide away, but then he realized people had just gathered in groups and there was plenty of places to sit at the other side of the living room.

 

_Breathe in and breathe out. Don't stare at their eyes, they will notice. Ignore the smiles, they aren't really inviting to talk,_  he reminded himself and followed Tyler again like a lost puppy.

 

"A beer?" Tyler asked.

 

Josh stared at him, blinking his eyes like he didn't understand the question. He did. What he couldn't understand was that who this Tyler guy was and how was he so welcoming. He glanced at the table that had few cheap brands of booze and then at inside the fridge as Tyler was holding the door open.

 

"You think too much", Tyler tilted his head.

 

Josh smiled faintly and nodded then. At least this far Tyler hadn't shown any signs that he wanted something in return so maybe he could have the beer.

 

Tyler opened the beer for him, another one for himself, tossed the bottle opener on the table and nodded the, gesturing them back to the others.

 

“You okay?” Tyler frowned when they sat down and Josh’s eyes just kept scanning the room and the people.

 

“Yeah, I… uhm, just not used to this much people at once”, Josh shook his head.

 

“Not that bad”, the other answered, but it was more like encouragement than downplaying his feelings. Or what Tyler see. Josh was sure he couldn’t actually know how he felt right now and how it would surely get worse too.

 

But in few minutes he had pushed that aside and despite hating it he was talking to other people that had surrounded them. This one guy, called Aaron, seemed to be rather interested in him and Josh didn’t know was it a good thing or not. First, he suspected he had seen him on the street and that why curious what he did here and how he knew Tyler. But then he asked what he did for a living, or was he still studying, and Josh could see it in his eyes that was a genuine question. The guy ran a hand through his bleached hair and tilted his head, waiting for an answer.

 

“Uhm…” he swallowed. Now he was in that situation. To tell or not. He never ever told it this fast to anyone. Except with Tyler.

 

“It’s nothing to be ashamed of Josh. Even if the dollar store job doesn’t pay that much”, Tyler nodded smiling.

 

Josh stared at him in awe. He didn’t need to lie. Josh could have also told the truth. But now he was there, Tyler looking back at him obviously content that they managed to dodge the situation. They, like Tyler cared at all. It was confusing and he was sure the cracks in the walls he had built around him were seen.

 

“Yeah. Okay. I just don’t…” Josh shrugged.

 

“We get it. No worries”, another guy, called Alex, said smiling.

 

The others were immersed back to the conversation but Josh draw a copious amount of air to his lungs, trying to arrange his thoughts. He had no idea how people would react if he would tell it like that and that was why he avoided the subject. Because after that came the  _why_  and all the other questions he didn’t have any answer to that would satisfy the asker. Or him either.

 

But the night continued and he was still there. Still partially reluctant and scared. Sure that they would tear down his walls and then he wouldn’t have anything left. However, no one seemed to second guess him being mostly quiet.

 

The people drank a lot. To the point where he wondered did they do it often, since it seemed like it was a totally normal thing. He also wondered what was it like to be that drunk. It had been so long that he couldn’t really even remember. Luckily they didn’t care that he wasn’t drunk. Because that would have led him to explaining that he was scared that then he would let it all out. Or just ignoring the question which would have been rude.

 

"You want another one?" Tyler asked as he stared down to the empty bottle that still was his second.

 

_Why is he so kind? I don't even deserve any of it._

 

"Okay", Josh nodded.

 

"I'll pick you one while I use the toilet", Tyler answered still the sweet smile on his lips. Like he was trying to make sure Josh didn't have anything to worry about.

 

But he did. As Tyler left the room a black haired, a heavily tattooed guy next to him turned slightly. He knew already what it was. Even before the guy even opened his mouth. Too many times he had seen it, even if the setting wasn't the same.

 

"So it was Josh, right? I am Alexander. Al is okay, but Alex is even better", the guy tilted his head in a way that his hair moved and drooped over his forehead.

 

Josh nodded and grabbed the hand that the other offered shaking it. The guy was really handsome. In a way that would be striking anywhere. The hair was obviously dyed. The tattoos didn't look those cheap ones you take when you are drunk and want one from the closest possible shop. He wore a black t-shirt and black skinny jeans and Josh knew that he was  _that_  guy in crowds. The one who everyone waited for confirmation from, but not even intentionally. The one that liked the attention, but didn't really do anything to achieve more. Just because he was already beyond the line. The guy that seemed nice at first but really didn't care about other people.

 

"How did you meet Tyler?" Alex asked and brought the beer bottle he was holding to his lips and took a sip still keeping his dark eyes on Josh.

 

That question. Another one of those he could tell the truth to. But Tyler had already lied about where he worked so it would be weird now to now say another thing.

 

"Let me guess. You wanted to buy stuff from him?"

 

And Josh just nodded. Even if that was very far from the truth it really was the best answer now.

 

"I see. Probably how we all met him", Alex nodded and fetched something from his pocket, "You want one?"

 

Josh stared at the two tiny pink pills that rested on his palm. It was so inviting. And it would be so stupid. As he watched Alex dropped the other one on his tongue and swirled it down with his beer.

 

"It will just relax you. You know. Like you are floating."

 

And then the hand was on his chin. He backed away, pressing against the backrest on the couch but it was like Alex didn't even notice it. His whole hand was there. The long, strong fingers on his jawline, keeping his head still. And the eyes were burning through him. Curiously invading, like they were searching for something.

 

_Don't. Don't touch me. Do not touch... Do not fucking touch me!_  his mind screamed but he couldn't do anything but to stare back.

 

"It's okay. I'll take care of you. It will make you feel awesome", Alex said and Josh was sure the caring part would be absolutely the opposite.

 

"I..." he started, wondering why was he like glued there but the grip on his jaw tightened.

 

Maybe he was trying to reassure him, but it was doing the exact opposite. The breath caught in his throat and he could hear the blood humming in his ears.

 

_Don't fucking touch me. Leave me alone. Go away. Do not..._  his mind repeated while not a single word was coming out.

 

"Alex! Give it a rest!" Tyler was suddenly there, kicking Alex's foot to get his attention.

 

The hand dropped from his jaw instantly but Josh couldn't ignore the tiny sly smile that was on Alex's lips for just maybe a second.

 

"I need to..." he jumped up weirded out that he even managed to get the words from his mouth that felt dry as sandpaper and rushed past Tyler.

 

"Josh!" Tyler yelled behind him but he wasn't paying attention to it.

 

He had to get out from there and he had to get out fast. Before he would crumble down. Before it would all fall apart. Running to the street he paused to breathe. Or to try to breathe. He was choking and all the memories were flooding back. All the ones he had tried to forget.

But now he was there on the street. Gasping for air and leaning against the cold wall he tried so hard to ignore the thoughts. Overwhelmed and scared and on the brink of tears. And he wasn't going to cry. Not now, not like this.

 

And there was Tyler. He didn't understand why Tyler had followed him but he was too exhausted to just leave. Instead, he tried to keep the walls up closing himself off. One switch at a time he tried. But he was already too far gone and now failing miserably.

 

"Josh hey, I'm sorry he was a douche. I really didn't know he would...", Tyler said his voice fading as he stopped to stare at the other.

 

He clearly stayed on distance, a foot between them. And Josh realized Tyler could see the panic on his face. Everything.

 

"Go away", he mumbled, but even his voice was breaking.

 

"Hey. Don't run okay?" Tyler said.

 

"No, don't... just leave me alone", the other gasped.

 

It was like a whirlwind inside him. He didn't want, he didn't need anyone. He hated that he was this weak and now swallowing the tears. He wanted to scream at Tyler to run while he still could, but then the other side of him was telling him to give up.

 

Tyler didn't even bother to answer. It was so clear to him that he couldn't just walk away when Josh was falling apart. He didn't know why or what could he even do but instead of obeying the empty words that fell from the lips he pulled the other to a hug.

 

Standing there in the corner of the building Tyler listened to Josh's breathing that was uneven and shallow as the other was still fighting the tears. Josh was mad at himself, and so overwhelmed. But the humming, like Tyler was singing something softly, grounded him. And Josh let someone hold him for the first time in his life without fighting back.

 

 

 

\----------


	5. There is more than you will ever know

\--------- 

 

 

"About the last time...", Tyler said and sat next to him.

 

Another rather sunny day in Josh's little corner. He was tired but hopeful he could get clients soon. But now Tyler was making him anxious.

 

Josh flinched and shook his head. "I don't want to talk about the last time."

 

"It's not y-"

 

"I don't want to talk about the last time!"

 

Tyler stared at him, weirded out he had snapped. Josh never snapped. Maybe it sounded strange? It sure could have. A tiny edge of uncertainty in his voice.

 

"Can I talk? If you don't want to", Tyler tilted his head.

 

"No", Josh continued with the same tone.

 

"Josh..." Tyler sighed but he didn't try again. Josh didn't want to talk about it and he wouldn't force him. Not even when he could see how much it hurt and he knew that no one could carry that much pain inside them without breaking.

 

"Can we talk about something else then?" he asked. He knew he was basically interrupting Josh's work but he didn't want to leave after such conversation.

 

"Yeah. Okay", Josh gave in, even though he honestly didn't want Tyler's company now. He had seen his other side. The one he didn't want anyone to see.

 

“How has your day been?”

 

Now Josh turned to face Tyler now and met the honest smile and a hand holding out a can of Redbull. Again. Of course, he shouldn’t be mad. He really shouldn’t. But he still was. Tyler wasn’t supposed to get to know him, but still, it was headed to that direction. He hated every single sliver of uncertainty that was trying to wedge its way between him and his sense.

 

"I can't", he huffed and got up to his feet. Because walking away with the problems chewing him from inside was all he did. There was nothing no one could do and he didn't want to let himself think that way.

 

"Josh, wait", Tyler was right behind him as he turned from the corner of the building to another street.

 

"Go away", Josh mumbled, trying to walk faster.

 

"Why?"

 

_Why? Because I can't deal with this._

 

"Just please go. Leave me alone."

 

"Are you going to keep running for the rest of your life?" Tyler said stopping, as he knew that Josh would too.

 

"You don't..." Josh turned around with a heavy sigh. He couldn't explain. And he never even tried. And he wouldn't do it now either.

 

"Get it? But what does it matter?"

 

Josh stood there in silence listening to the cars driving by and staring at the other who was standing a few feet away from him, still holding the can of RedBull. Tyler looked sad and confused and Josh wondered was that what he looked too. Because that was certainly what he felt like.

 

"It's all I have."

 

"Josh...", Tyler started. He was so sad that Josh kept it all inside. And still, he rather took that than not talking at all, "What if you try to ignore that?"

 

The other blinked his eyes, confused what Tyler meant.

 

"Maybe try to think something else? You work too much. It's basically all you do."

 

"No, I don't. Haven't had a single client today yet", Josh mumbled frowning.

 

"Yeah but you are technically also working when you just wait for the clients. Right? Your mind is."

 

Tyler waited for the response but Josh stayed silent. He could have walked away. But there was so much behind those sad eyes that he couldn't just give up.

 

"I... don't know what to do", Josh mumbled finally. And he really didn't mean this and what Tyler had just said. But to those words, his whole life condensed to.

 

"Then don't. You don't have to do anything."

 

"Okay. What does that mean?"

 

"You just... Dunno. Be?" Tyler shrugged a sad smile making his lips curl.

 

"I don't know how to be", Josh answered and he really couldn't have been more honest then.

 

"Well... I think I mostly don't know either, but we could learn together?"

 

And with that Tyler gave him a hand to which Josh grabbed onto. He still didn't know what was happening but now running away didn't feel right anymore. Not at that moment. Still holding onto the hand and the silence he followed Tyler back to the street corner and let him gesture him to sit back down.

 

"So. That's still for you. And then we just... I don't know. I can stay quiet if you want", Tyler offered the RedBull for the other waiting for some kind of a sign to tell him it was okay and he was allowed to stay.

 

Slowly Josh took the can and leaned against the tiles on the building. He turned his gaze away from the other, just trying to chase away the unsureness.

 

Tyler watched as the shadows grew longer slowly as the sun was setting. Josh drank the Redbull and placed the can between them. Tyler wondered was it some sort of a gesture, but then he realized he might have read more into it than he should have.

 

And Josh wondered why Tyler stayed. They never did. Even every glimpse of him that he had shown thus far could have been enough to chase many away. But Tyler sitting next to him didn't even seem to really care about those things.

 

"Quiet", he said suddenly. The silence was getting too piercing but he really didn't have anything to say either.

 

"I think there is always these few hours that are quiet", Tyler answered, keeping his eyes on the street.

 

"Yeah."

 

"Lucky I have some savings."

 

"I don't. And I need to pay bills soon", Josh mumbled.

 

Tyler glanced at him and gave him a reassuring nod. "You'll get clients. I am sure of it."

 

"Yeah. So I like to think. I also like to think that time to do some laundry would be nice, rather than staying here all day long waiting for the clients that never come. I have literally two sets of sheets. Not that my mattress would need more, but... I also would like to think that having something else in the fridge than the light and maybe one apple would be nice", Josh said.

 

The other stared at him, thinking was it always that bad for Josh. He couldn't imagine a situation where he would need to decide whether to do laundry or try to get some clients. Or that he would have only an apple in a fridge. And then he wondered who even kept apples in the fridge anyway.

 

Then a car slowed down on the street and stopped in front of them. A guy rolled down the window and after glancing at Tyler turned his eyes to Josh, “You busy?”

 

Before Josh even managed to answer Tyler opened his mouth, “Go on. I see you later.”

 

Josh nodded and got up. Not that Tyler could have stopped him. After all, clients were the thing he was there in the first place. But he still had some manners. Tyler watched as he got inside the car and left then to his spot. He could see Josh’s corner from there and could go chat with him later. Sighing he pondered about the conversation, and how I could have gone better. But he had to remind himself that he didn’t really do anything wrong either and that Josh was just one of those people that needed time.

 

When Josh sat in the car and was greeted with the tiny smile he was taken aback. The guy looked like he really shouldn’t have problems to find partners to have sex with. But he also knew that looks could be deceiving.

 

“So, I live literally on the next street. Is that okay? Or your place?” the guy said and scrunched his nose like he was amused to have such a conversation.

 

“Your place”, Josh answered. A motel would have been ideal, but he never let anyone in his flat. That was his safe place.

 

“Cool. You bottom? Cause that’s like…” the other said and Josh just nodded.

 

His mind always did that when he was with a client. It took him a while to get on the tracks and really focus. As they had parked the car he was directed forward and inside the flat. It was a really dark and weird looking apartment, but also a clean one. And then he realised he hadn’t talked about the money yet, at all.

 

_Fuck I’m stupid_ , he thought as he watched the guy kick his shoes off.

 

“So uhm…” he started backing away when the guy approached him.

 

“Oh! I totally forgot! What do you… uhm, maybe an hour? So would 60 be okay?” the guy said and Josh pondered had he genuinely forgotten or was he trying to get it free.

 

"If you don't want any unusual stuff then yeah", Josh nodded and watched as the guy grabbed his wallet and fished the money out. After he had shown to Josh that there really was that amount he placed them to his hand.

 

Not that Josh could have sighed yet in relief, but at least if something happened he had his money now. And even more, than he usually charged.

 

"Are we good to go or do you need something else?" the guy asked and kept his distance still.

 

"All good", Josh answered and folded the bills and pushed them to his pocket.

 

"Good", the other repeated smiling and switched on the bedside table light.

 

Then Josh witnessed him undress before he turned back to him. And Josh really had to try to keep himself from not getting nervous. The guy was seriously hot. Surely he knew that the money was money and as long as he got it and the client behaved it didn't matter to him. But having sex with someone as good looking would be way easier, more fun, than with someone who you thought wasn't attractive at all.

 

"I'm Ashley. You are?" the guys pushed the fabric of Josh's hoodie up and kept the eyes on his face.

 

"J-osh", he breathed when the hoodie was dropped on the floor. And he never stuttered. Not with clients. Not like this.

 

"Relax."

 

And no one never had to tell him to relax but there was something in this guy that got under his skin. Whether it was the strikingly handsome features, the vibrant, piercing green eyes or the tiny smirk it was really weird to Josh.

 

But as the lips landed on his neck and the hand dug into his pants he had to ignore that thought. Either way, he was here to do his work and if he failed it was one more failure on top of everything else.

 

"I want to fuck you so badly", the whisper in his ear made him shiver as he was pushed on the bed.

 

After the guy had gotten what he paid for they laid on the bed and the strange feeling was back. Josh pondered should he make an excuse or would it be rude.

 

"Wasn't that bad was it?" Ashley raised his eyebrow.

 

"No, it's not that..."

 

"Well, you seemed super nervous?"

 

Josh blushed. He had to confess now, no other way around it. "Uhm... Not really used to seeing guys like you to pick up whores."

 

"Oh, you mean because I look okay?" Ashley leaned over him and the smirk was back. "The hour isn't gone yet so don't panic."

 

"Yeah. It was just weird you know", Josh mumbled but the lips were back on his neck and he had to take a deep breath.

 

"Have been told that before. Sure yeah, I can get any guy I want from a club but I rather choose a pretty one from the street and get exactly what I want with the money and not hear from them later. Or if I do it's really up to me and not creepy calls in the middle of the night or bumping to each other in a grocery store", the other answered.

 

"Right", Josh said watching those eyes that were scrutinizing his features. Ashley's black hair was drooping down, almost touching Josh's forehead. He knew the hour wasn't yet gone and technically he could just try to enjoy the rest of the time, but there was something that made him skittish.

 

 

"But maybe we can see again? Would you like that?" the other murmured licking his lips. He had a nose piercing and the hair was just that perfect messy type Josh loved.

 

 

"Wouldn't hate it", he answered truthfully. Maybe this could be a regular thing, ho wondered, also knowing that there wasn't really anything regular in his job.

 

When he got home the first thing he did was shed his clothes on the floor and take shower. That was what he always did. He thought that he could go back to his corner after but when he started to wrap the towel around his waist he realised he was too tired for that. So instead he made some tea and picked up a book and then searched for a t-shirt and sweatpants to wear from his box. Anyway, it was too early to sleep.

 

After a while, when he had managed to shut down his mind and only focus on the book, someone knocked on his door. First, he thought that someone had followed him but as he had been inside for some hours it was unlikely. Frowning he went to open the door, nervously fiddling with the corner of the paperback book.

 

“Hi!” Tyler greeted him cheerily.

 

“What… How do you know where I live?” Josh gasped. He hadn’t told to Tyler in which apartment he lived.

 

“A friend of mine lives in the neighbour and I… don’t know. You didn’t come back. Then I got scared that something had happened. And then I thought I could come and check are you okay. And bring some stuff. As I hoped you are okay”, Tyler explained blushing softly and pointed at the bag in his hands.

 

“Oh… Well, uhm. Come inside. I’m fine though”.

 

“So you do look like”, Tyler nodded and watched as Josh closed the door behind him and tossed the book aside.

 

“What’s with all this?” the other pointed towards the brown paperback feeling uncomfortable. Tyler shouldn’t. Josh didn’t know how much there was before it was too late but all these tiny things showed that Tyler was stepping further in his life and that he couldn’t allow happening.

 

“Just some food. Apples, grapes, yoghurt. Uhm… toast and butter. I have no idea what you eat though. Juice too. And Redbull. I bought you Redbull”, Tyler smiled like he had done an amazing achievement. Which he really had. He had bought things Josh did eat. But there was really no reason why he should have done it in the first place.

 

“Is that okay?” Tyler looked at him now so confused and disappointed that Josh let out a sigh.

 

“No. It’s okay. Thank you”, Josh nodded and slowly, like scared that the items would disappear started to place them to fridge.

 

“Why you keep apples in the fridge?” Tyler laughed when Josh was done.

 

Josh shook his head smiling, “I just like them cold more than… eew, they get so warm on the table.”

 

“Huh. That figures”, Tyler shrugged, “So what do you do?”

 

“I was reading”, Josh sat on his mattress and yawned.

 

“Is that what you do on your free time?” Tyler asked and sat on the floor, next to the mattress. He didn’t pay attention to how little stuff Josh owned. Or how cold it was. It could have been worse. And the fact was his apartment wasn’t that fancy either.

 

“Yeah.”

 

“I see. I like to write.”

 

“What?” Josh asked and laid himself on the mattress.

 

“Well… Poetry mostly. Some lyrics I would like to think too”, Tyler tilted his head.

 

“That’s nice. Words are hard.”

 

“They are. Especially figuring out new ones.”

 

They talked for a long while until Josh fell asleep. He didn’t mean to. Not when Tyler was there with his worried, wild eyes. But in the middle of the night, he woke up to Tyler moving in the room and turning the lights off.

 

“Hey. Go to sleep", Tyler whispered.

 

“You… uhm. You should too”, Josh mumbled his answer sleepily.

 

“I don’t really sleep. Bad insomnia”, the other answered and sat back down on the floor next to the other crossing his legs.

 

“Oh. Sometimes I rather stay awake than let the nightmares rip me apart"; Josh answered and shifted pulling the blanket over himself.

 

Tyler sat there and stayed silent. He listened to Josh’s breathing, which with the kitchen faucet dripping made the silence heavier. Maybe he could be the one to keep the darkness at bay. Because now the only thing that separated the darkness from the light was the few last hours of the night and he hated to think that there were times when Josh was lost in the nightmares all alone.

 

“Tyler?”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Tell me it’s all in my head.”

  

Tyler bit his lip and wondered was the quiet sound he heard a sigh or a sob. But he couldn't answer. Sometimes there weren't any words left to say.

 

 

 

\---------------

 


	6. It's more than the words

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning to this chapter. Also edited the tags.

\-----------

 

 

 

The next two weeks passed quickly. The days were pretty much identical to each other. The only thing that was different was that it was never consistent how many clients he had. And now he had been sick having a third day in a row with zero clients. Luckily he had managed to save some money from the good days after the bills, and the food that Tyler had bought him had lasted for a long while with his eating habits.

 

The Ashley guy he had met again, and then a third time too. It was obviously becoming a thing. He still felt weird because of it. It had been a long while since he had had a regular and back then it had been an older lonely guy. Nothing that could be compared to Ashley's good looks. But it was money. Constantly he had to remind himself that he got the money and Ashley hadn't done anything to make him feel uncomfortable. It was all in his head.

 

Which was the same thing with Tyler. As he approached him again with the Redbull like every day he thought for a while that he could also say he wanted to be alone. But the smile Tyler had was so genuine and inviting that he didn't dare. Maybe it was overwhelming, but he rather was silent with Tyler than alone.

 

And Tyler got the message. He always did. Sitting next to him he scrunched his eyes when the sun rays blinded him. Josh stared at him, the hair that the sun coloured to this shimmering gold and he wondered what if they hadn't even met. He would have continued his life obviously without even knowing Tyler existed, but the thing was that now Tyler provided him a sliver of a regularity. Which was a problem because it never lasted.

 

"So, I will throw a party again", Tyler said as Josh had finished his drink, placing the can on the ground.

 

"Oh?"

 

"I wish you could come too, but after what happened last time I get if you don't want to", the other answered and turned his head to face Josh.

 

"Oh... Uhm. I don't..." he started but stopped then. It would be a lie if he would say he didn't care, but on the other hand, he really didn't. It was nothing new to him.

 

"He isn't invited. As in, when he bought his dose I didn't mention the party like I normally do. But he still might come with someone else and it would be rude for my business to say he isn't allowed inside. I can already see what would follow", Tyler shook his head.

 

He and Alex had known for quite a while and he had witnessed his behaviour at it's best and worst. The guy was smart and funny, but when he lost it, he lost it completely. And as Alex knew a big portion of his clients he wouldn't soon have any clients left.

 

"Right", Josh mumbled. He did want to go. Besides, the guy was just one amongst others.

 

"That sounded like you were thinking of coming", Tyler's eyes widened in surprise.

 

"Yeah. I'll come. When is it?"

 

"Oh. Awesome! Saturday", Tyler couldn't contain the broad smile that spread on his lips.

 

"Okay", Josh nodded. It would be four days for him to get the uncertainty chased away.

 

"And don't... don't worry about him. I am sure he knows now not to touch you", the other continued looking at him.

 

Josh didn't answer. It was just one guy. He could handle one guy. He wouldn't break down next time. He knew better than that.

 

"The book you were reading last time, are you finished with it?" Tyler changed the subject after a while of silence.

 

"Yes. Uhm, why?"

 

"I read this one book and I would like to borrow it to you. If you want."

 

"Oh. Sure", Josh answered glancing at the other. He was already just recycling the books he had. The book he had finished he couldn't even remember how many times he had read it. 

 

"You look me like you don't believe that I actually read. I do. I like to write even more but... Words are hard and reading more you find more words and new ways to place the words. Right?" Tyler smiled softly to him and Josh nodded.

 

"Sounds possible. Don't know, I think I have never written anything."

 

"You could. You know. Like a journal or so", Tyler suggested not knowing what he just did.

 

Josh felt like choking. The memory of the words he had written to the diary he had made him shiver. "I don't..."

 

The other frowned staring at him. He could sense something was off and again Josh had to make sure his walls stayed up.

 

"It was just an idea. Sorry."

 

Josh shook his head. It really was just an idea. Tyler couldn't have known. And shouldn't either. "I did. I had a journal. Diary. What you call it. A thing you write your thoughts daily."

 

"But you don't anymore?"

 

"No. I stopped writing when I moved here."

 

“I see. Is it just that because this is _this_ that you don’t write anymore? I mean… I got taught that you write about your daily life. You know, dear diary, today is Monday. I had a fight with my best friend. I hate him. But I also found the shirt that disappeared last week. And then, dear diary, today is Wednesday. I think we made up with my friend. He apologised and it’s okay. On Friday we are going to see the band I was talking about last week”, Tyler told.

 

“So… for me it would be, dear diary, in my street corner again. Today I had a granola bar with the apple. Also, I have enough money so I can buy a coffee. My last client didn’t give what I charge, but I got at least some. Or, dear diary. Today I had a good night sleep. No clients yet though”, Josh raised his eyebrow.

 

“That sounds so…”

 

“Realistic? Wasn’t even worst. Try this instead. Dear diary. Today I had nothing to eat because I had to pay the bills. My first client of the day was so rough that I secretly cried to the pillow while the next one…” Josh started but Tyler hushed him silent.

 

“Okay I got the point”, the other let out a sigh. He certainly did get the point. And he could only hope it wasn’t a usual thing that Josh went through, “Maybe this instead. Dear diary. I met Tyler today again. He brought me the Redbull and I drank it even though I am still not sure should I do it. He sat with me like always. It was nice even though we didn’t really speak. Then he asked me would I come to his party and I accepted the invitation even though a person I don’t like could be there. It’s okay since I know that Tyler will kick his ass if he tries anything.”

 

Josh stared at him trying to hide his confusion. He had no idea that Tyler saw past his walls that well. Maybe even better than he himself did. It was making his heart pound out of his chest. Tyler shouldn’t be that well aware of what went through his mind.

 

“But my point was that… I was taught to write about my daily life. But then I figured out that the emotions that are behind what is happening are more important. And you don’t have to write it like… I don’t have money so I don’t have anything to eat and it makes me sad. You can do it by using metaphors. You know? Only you get why you felt that way but it’s not only sadness or anger”, Tyler continued when Josh just kept staring at him in confusion.

 

“I’m not angry. I’m… never angry”, Josh frowned.

 

“Oh? That sure as hell sounded like anger. But sadness leads to anger. You are angry because you don’t know how to fix it. You are angry with the clients but mostly to yourself. And then you are even angrier when you get lost into the thought and you don’t find a way out”, the other explained staring at the pavement where the shadows danced while people passed them by.

 

“Please, stop”, Josh breathed out, too overwhelmed to listen more.

 

Tyler turned back to look at him. “But, there’s happy stuff too. Right?”

 

The other bit his lip wondering that his happy thing was not probably what Tyler had in mind.

 

“There always is”, Tyler nodded smiling.

 

“Josh!” there was a yell from a car and they both were startled.

 

“It’s… that’s the guy again.”

 

“Ashley. Yeah. I’ll go”, Josh climbed to his feet. Now he was worried could he push aside the talk, or would it bother him during the time with the client.

 

“You know his name?” Tyler asked but apparently, his tone was weird since Josh frowned.

 

“They often introduce themselves.”

 

Tyler contented to a nod and watched Josh turn around and walk to the car before he got up too.

 

“Hey. It’s been a while”, Ashley smiled.

 

“Not that long”, Josh shrugged knowing that the other had zero obligations to meet him even when he rather had a regular weekly income.

 

“Uhm... Listen. Do you… Do any other stuff?”

 

_Oh. Oh no. No no no. He is going to ask me to do something nasty and I won’t like it and… and then he will kick me out from the car and I will lose him as a client. Nice._

 

Ashley let out a laugh when he read the panic in Josh’s features. “I didn’t mean something like… I’m not even thinking about anything weird. But I was talking to a friend about you. I didn’t mention your name, just casually about that I liked our meetings and that I was glad that I met you. So…”

 

“He wants to meet me too.”

 

“Yeah. But like… with me.”

 

“Oh. Uhm…”

 

“Just normal sex, nothing weird. He is about my age, also good looking. Heavily tattooed though if that is a problem.”

 

“I don’t…” Josh was about to add that he didn’t choose his clients based on tattoos, but he really couldn’t say it out loud. Who was he to choose clients anyway. “It.. uhm. There’s the money thing then.”

 

“Well, he said he is fine to pay the same as I do. So, it would be double then for you. And since there’s two of us maybe a tiny bit longer time, if only it’s okay for you.”

 

Josh pondered that. It’s not like he hadn’t done it before but it was a long time ago and two guys were technically double the danger too. If something would go wrong. But it was Ashley. He never could say that he trusted a client, but he couldn’t say that he would think that Ashley would suddenly kill him or something.

 

“It’s okay.”

 

“Awesome! I was kinda sure it would be so uhm… he is at my place already”, Ashley said and grimaced knowing it wasn’t that nicely done. He should have asked first and arranged it for another time but they both were excited to meet Josh so they just forgot.

 

Josh couldn’t really say a thing. It wasn’t his place to judge his clients. Especially when they had just made a deal and if he would actually get the money, which was something he always remained pessimistic about until the money was in his pocket, he would definitely keep the rest of the day off.

 

Rest of the drive went by quickly, and as they reached Ashley’s apartment door Josh could feel the anxiety trying to tackle him. What if they wanted him to do something he didn’t know how to? It didn’t even have to be weird but just not his thing.

 

Ashley opened the door for him and guided him inside like a gentleman, ignoring the fact that Josh had been there before and never even actually cared about the _you go in first_ gesture.

 

As the door clicked behind them Josh’s heart dropped. The familiar blue eyes were staring back at him. For a moment he thought how someone’s eyes could be same time so icy blue and dark. It was like they had shadows of something, and he didn't want to think too long what. It felt like stepping to a territory where there was no going back.

 

“Alex.”

 

“Hey. I knew it must be you”, the other smiled and stood up.

 

“Uhm…” Josh felt like shrinking.

 

“Wait. You two know each other?” Ashley frowned.

 

“Yeah… Kinda. As you started to talk about him I knew it must be _Josh_ from the party. When you didn’t tell his name I knew I just had to… Sorry”, Alex shrugged.

 

“So you… uhm, have fucked?”

 

“No. We just met at Tyler’s” Alex shook his head his eyes scanning Josh’s figure.

 

“Okay. Well, we could like…” Ashley muttered and grabbed his wallet. After taking his part of the money out he waited for Alex to do the same, while the other kept his eyes on Josh.

 

Josh was frozen. He took the money but just held them there. He could just leave. Maybe he could leave still and they would be okay with his decision. Maybe Ashley wouldn’t hate him.

 

“Is it a problem that you know him?” Ashley whispered and touched his neck gently with his fingertips.

 

“I don’t think it is. He is just dazzled by my beauty”, Alex laughed causing Ashley to snort.

 

“Idiot.”

 

“Uhm… It’s… fine”, Josh finally got out and pushed the money to his pocket. He got the money. And Alex _was_ beautiful. Besides, maybe he had overreacted the last time.

 

“Great. Let’s get rid of these”, Alex smirked and approached him, the hands travelling under his shirt.

 

And Josh couldn’t just do anything else than to bite down to his lip and try to relax as Alex started to undress him. Only then he noticed that the guy had a lip piercing, but also nose pierced, like Ashley too. Not that he minded, quite the opposite.

 

Ashley started to kiss down his neck when his clothes were bundled on the floor and he stared as Alex slowly undressed in front of him. The ripped black skinny jeans first, then the t-shirt that had a name of a band Josh didn't recognize. When Alex was done he pulled him to the bed with him, and meanwhile, it was Ashley's turn to shed his clothes.

 

"Relax", Alex said against his throat, the low voice making his skin tingle. The guy had that certain type of voice that could either make you feel like you were in heaven or that you were in hell, depending on what words were said.

 

"I..." he started when other pair of hands were on his body and Ashley pressed his body against him, the feeling of the erection making him gasp.

 

"We don't have to talk. Say if you feel uncomfortable though. You know me but not Alex so..."

 

"I promise to be gentle. I like it rough but for a precious thing like you I can tone it down", Alex noted and like enhancing his words nibbled Josh's skin. Just hard enough to make a point.

 

The hands were everywhere on his body. Making him feel good and wanted. And Josh was fine. He was absolutely fine, even though the voice in the back of his mind kept telling how wrong it could go. And the smirk on Alex's face when he guided him to sit on his cock, wanting him to ride him, was only enforcing it. And the eyes were unimaginable. The same dark shadow dancing on the surface of the blue eyes, and after a while, Josh had to look away.

 

When Alex had climaxed they switched and he was being pushed against the other, while Ashley fucked him from behind. Alex grabbed to his hair and forced him to look back at him. Now he couldn't look away. Almost like he was being ripped apart, piece by piece, just with that look.

 

"You are so pretty. Like a shiny new thing", Alex said and Josh knew that he wanted to add something to that, but something was holding him back. But the grip in his hair tightened and his mouth opened to a whimper.

 

"Look at that", the other smirked and maybe Josh was imagining but there was something sinister behind that.

 

Ashley panted against his neck but then finally noticed how the whole atmosphere in the room changed, "Alex. You said you would tone it down."

 

"So I did", the other answered and craned his neck to lick Josh's bottom lip, just teasing him. 

 

Maybe Ashley had seen a glimpse of it, but the rest was just between the two. By now the grip on his hair was too painful. But he couldn't just tell Alex to stop either. And Ashley was almost done anyway.

 

"Alex", the other said again, hardly able to form the word while chasing the climax.

 

"But he likes it. Don't you _Josh?_ " Alex rubbed his thumb over Josh's bottom lip while he let out a miserable whine.

 

Ashley didn't hear it as the bliss was taking over his body and he collapsed over the other two. For a while it was only the cold stare, Josh fighting his emotions and Ashley breathing against his neck.

 

"I'm going to take a shower", Ashley mumbled after a while and crawled off of them and jumped to the floor.

 

"And you, my love, didn't cum yet", Alex rolled Josh on his back as the bathroom door was closed.

 

"I don't..." Josh was about to say he didn't need to. He needed only the money and the sexual pleasure with a client was never the same as with others. But Alex's fingers were already around his cock and he let out a gasp.

 

"Don't argue. I'll take care of you", the other continued and started to kiss down his neck while his hand worked in fastening speed.

 

The tears pricked in Josh's eyes when he tried to remind himself that he was fine. It was okay. He was a whore and still, nothing really bad had happened. Alex's other hand trailed back to his hair, playing with the strands, making him anticipate the pain. He bit down to his lip feeling the tears roll down his cheeks when the warm breath on his neck made his skin crawl. Alex was hard again, grinding slowly against his thigh.

 

"You feel amazing."

 

Josh tried not to pay attention to the words. The grip was tightening in his hair and he whined when the teeth crazed his collarbone. And Alex read the tiny sounds that fell from his lips in wrong way. Or maybe they just fueled him up.

 

"You're doing so good."

 

More words that stung somewhere deep inside. Josh was falling fast, but not fast enough. The hand stroked him and he was only glad that Alex didn't stop. He could still hear the shower and part of him wished that Ashley wouldn't interrupt them. It would have been too much.

 

"You're so close. I can feel it. My pretty thing... Just let go. You want it, don't you?" Alex mumbled against his neck and then bit down to it. Hard. Probably hard enough to draw blood. Josh climaxed and blinked, his eyes blurred by the tears.

 

"I knew you would love that", Alex snickered and moaned against the achy spot on his skin.

 

Swallowing hard Josh knew it would bruise. And Josh hated bruises. Some clients did that to mark him. And then the other clients would ask why he had a bruise. But Alex was different. It was mainly to make him hurt. He didn't even need to know him better to realize that.

 

"What the hell did you do?" Ashley said as he stepped back into the room, instantly noticing the tears on Josh's face.

 

"We couldn't have let him leave like that. He liked a lot when we fucked him so I just finished it. Poor thing is just overwhelmed, right?" Alex's thumb was again on Josh's swollen lip, stroking over it. But Josh could also taste his own cum from the fingers and together with the words it made him want to gag.

 

"God. Look at you. You are even prettier with the tears in your eyes than when he was fucking you. Who would have known..." Alex let out a content sigh, while the hold on Josh's hair remained.

 

Josh couldn't say a thing. It was pure agony by now. Maybe he could have handled the pain, but everything else around it was too much. He wanted to go. He needed to leave back to his own apartment where he would be safe. Before he would crumble down again. Gasping he blinked, more tears falling on his cheeks.

 

"Sorry to interrupt your fun, but the time is up and I really don't have money this week to pay more", Ashley laughed and started to dress. Maybe he didn't care enough or maybe he bought Alex's explanation but he ignored totally Josh and how paralyzed he was.

 

Alex was still holding him by the hair, fingers brushing his lips and then his cheek. He was barely breathing and certainly didn't dare to move. Josh could feel the stickiness on his cheek as Alex kissed him roughly.

 

"Go on. We'll continue another time", the other mumbled and pulled away, finally releasing the grip from his hair and the cum covered hand from his cheek.

 

Josh rolled around and got quickly to his clothes. Now he just needed to forget the whole thing. Crawl back inside his shell and know that he was soon home.

 

Ashley followed him to the car, while Alex left to shower. They drove in silence, but it was normal to them. And Josh was glad. He asked Ashley to drop him little further so that he would avoid Tyler and could walk quicker home.

 

When he arrived there finally the first thing was that he checked the door was locked. Properly. Then he took a deep breath, and after that another. Shaking his head he focused to the fact that he was alone. Discarding his clothes on the floor he walked straight to the bathroom to take a shower.

 

As he stood under the stream he wondered did he have something to eat in his fridge. Then he wondered what the time was. But no thought could distract him and soon he has shivering down to the bone. Even turning the water hotter didn't help. Then the shivering turned to shaking and soon his legs gave in. Slumped down in the corner of his shower he didn't even realize the tears kept rolling down his face.

 

When the shaking didn't stop he forced himself to ignore it. Pulling himself up he scrubbed his skin clean as best as he could, rinsed the soap off and closed the faucet. Ignoring the person looking him back from the mirror he wrapped the towel around his waist and brushed his teeth.

 

Now, without even bothering to see if there was anything to eat he ignored also his grumbling stomach and after pulling boxer shorts on his turned off the light and crawled into the bed. The quicker he was asleep the quicker there would be another day. And another day would mean he would be one step away from today, and one step closer to forgetting it.

 

But he hadn't slept for more than thirty minutes when there was a knock on the door. Sighing he got up, guessing it was Tyler. Of course, as he didn't show back to his spot.

 

"Hey. You didn't get back."

 

"I didn't."

 

And now he was stuck. Tyler was standing there and waiting, looking partially confused and partially worried. He could tell him to leave but it would just lead to more questions later.

 

"Can I come in?"

 

"Okay. I was sleeping though but..." Josh nodded and let Tyler inside.

 

Josh didn't even know what to say and he was glad the room was so dark and Tyler wasn't able to read his face again. Only the street lamps shed the pale yellow light to the room. Getting back to his bed he glanced towards the other who sat next to the bed.

 

"I thought you worked later."

 

"I thought _you_ worked later. How was Ashley?" Tyler asked.

 

"Fine. Just fine", Josh lied. Technically he didn't because _Ashley_ had been fine. But he thought that there was no point in telling about that he had seen Alex again.

 

"Good. Go on, you can sleep. I rather sit here than in my own apartment", Tyler answered and Josh turned his back to him.

 

Josh was bordering on falling asleep when he felt the soft fingertips on his back. He almost froze, but Tyler kept going, slowly, like testing where the line was what he shouldn't cross. Biting down to his lip Josh waited because he knew that the discovery would be followed with some words. And how hard the words would be he couldn't know in advance. The fingers traced over the scars, feeling the toughened skin. Every single one Tyler found from his back until the edge of the sheet met his finger. And then he started all over again. Josh knew it was way too much. Tyler already knew too much.

 

  
"This will scar too", Tyler noted touching softly the fresh bite mark. It stung like hell, but Josh kept quiet.

 

  
"Josh", he started again, even though he could feel the other shivering under his fingers, "What if... it's not all in your head?"

 

  
"But if it is, it means I am imagining it. And that means it isn't real. And it's better that it isn't real. Right?" Josh answered, fighting the tears again.

 

  
And Tyler was quiet again. Leaning forward he pressed his forehead to Josh's neck. Just being there. Silent and accepting. Knowing that whatever he would say would only push Josh away from him. And he wasn't going anywhere.

 

 

\-------------


	7. Slowly drowning

 

 

\---------------

 

 

As the sunrays shed light into the room Josh woke up to Tyler shifting next to him. The other had fallen asleep too, but he woke up as Josh did. The silence now, as both went through in their minds what had happened last night, was heavy. Tyler had many things in his mind but he sensed it wasn't the right time to say any of them. Josh gasped when Tyler’s head connected with his shoulder but he didn't move. They just stayed like that. Josh felt comfortable. Almost too comfortable and then he realized he had to get Tyler out before he would blurt out things he wasn’t supposed to.

 

“I need to get to shower and work”, he mumbled hoping Tyler didn't see past that lie.

 

“Yeah. And I need to go home before I head out”, Tyler answered and crawled up, ignoring the tension.

 

They agreed they would meet later which was in vain since Tyler knew his corner and would be there any way at some point. Then Josh watched the other leave and as the door closed he couldn’t ignore the lump in his throat. It had been a while since he had been in a similar situation and somehow it hurt now even more than last time. But he got to his feet and walked to the fridge knowing he was the only one that could keep himself not falling apart. He had to go back to work.

 

They didn’t talk about it. At all. Josh would have ignored any questions, either way, so he was just glad Tyler didn't bring it up.

 

Saturday came quickly and Josh was ready. As ready as he only could be. He was actually happy to see Tyler again, even though he was overwhelmed. But at least the fact that they weren’t alone would help. Tyler certainly wouldn’t bring up anything there either. And now his idea was just to have few drinks and try to chase away the darkness from inside. Try to forget everything else.

 

Tyler met him in the same spot as the last time and Josh couldn't help the smile when he saw Tyler. The other was glowing. Energetic and excited.

 

"Hey", Tyler greeted him and waited for him to follow.

 

"How was your day?"

 

"Okay", he answered shrugging.

 

"Tell about it?" Tyler continued as the walked further.

 

Josh glanced at him, weirded out. "Do you really want me to tell about my clients?"

 

"Josh, you don't have to tell it like that. You think too straightforwardly. Remember what we talked last time?"

 

The other pondered that. Tyler was probably anyway seeing through him.

 

"Hot, but also cold. Routine. And surprises. Fake smiles and courtesies", Josh told.

 

"And?"

 

"And what?" he got confused.

 

"There's always something good too. Has to be", Tyler nodded, hoping there was some.

 

Josh let out a sigh. "Well... Contentment, money, maybe some pleasure too."

 

"See?"

 

"You know you're annoying, right?" the other raised his eyebrow as Tyler opened his apartment door. He was fazed instantly. There were more people than last time and the noise made him cringe.

 

"I know", Tyler answered and let him get inside first.

 

Josh was overwhelmed, but Tyler encouraging him to move further helped him stay calm. He spotted instantly familiar faces and decided he wouldn't run. Not this time. He followed the other to the kitchen and took the beer that was handed to him with a shy smile. Then Tyler gestured him to the living room where people made space for them to sit down on the couch.

 

"Glad you came", Tyler nodded as he sipped his drink, the words further encouraging.

 

"It's been a while. I mean... after the last time", Josh swallowed. Tyler didn't ask anything so he could have just stayed silent too.

 

"You mean being in a party?"

 

He nodded in return.  _Guess we are past the small talk._  But it only reminded him of how much he didn't want Tyler to know him.

 

"I can see that", the other smiled. "Did you used to go to parties before? Like where you used to live?"

 

"Occasionally yes", Josh answered. His mind went back to those days. When his friend Jesse climbed onto the roof of the school and everyone was sure he would fall from there and die. When his mom yelled at him for being away too late because she was so worried that something had happened to him.

 

"I wish I'd known you before. Back then", Tyler said.

 

Josh's first reaction was to laugh but he managed to keep his face straight. Tyler glanced at him, waiting for a response. He shook his head, "No. You certainly wouldn't have wanted to know me then."

 

Now Tyler frowned as he heard the darkness in his voice. No matter what, the other always seemed to be ahead of things. Josh couldn't understand it.

 

A girl with perfectly cut brown hair sat next to them and started talking to Tyler and Josh closed himself off into his own mind. His thoughts were all over the place, running so fast he couldn't keep up with them. He let his eyes scan the room and the people. A cute girl with a yellow shirt dancing. A guy with a badly done tattoo drinking too fast. Another guy with a red hair beside him laughing. Someone yelling profanities, another one trying to hush him laughing.

 

"What's up?" Tyler brushed his arm slightly, gaining his attention.

 

"Nothing", he smiled slightly.

 

"That girl", Tyler pointed at one that had her hand lazily over the shoulders of a guy, "Moved here about a year ago. She had pretty much nothing then."

 

"And now she does have?"

 

"Yeah", Tyler nodded.

 

"But, she is a drug addict."

 

The other turned to face him and arch his eyebrow. "No. Not everyone I know uses drugs."

 

Josh dropped his gaze. Now he felt like he was judging. But the way Tyler had pointed out the girl made him feel bad. He wasn't like that girl. He could never be like that.

 

Tyler changed the subject, directing them to lighter things, and Josh relaxed. He was still nervous around the other. Part of him liked that Tyler was so kind to him, but the other part reminded him that  _they_  never did it without wanting something. He knew the time would come. Because Tyler knew already too much and he seemed to be one of those stubborn people Josh never had learned to handle.

 

"So, instead of letting the cops catch him he jumped to the water thinking it was a river. Or sorts. It was but also horribly dirty and his idea of swimming away from the cops didn't work when he had to get up to puke", Tyler explained an encounter his client had had with cops and Josh shook his head smiling. It was so strange for him when everything inside him was telling him not to.

 

"Stupid."

 

"Yeah, he was. Well, probably still is, but he is in jail now", the other snorted.

 

"That's why you shouldn't do drugs", Josh said causing the other to laugh.

 

"I'm going to... where's the toilet?" he asked then glad that Tyler had actually managed to make him smile. He was slipping, but he ignored that thought knowing it would bother him the whole night.

 

Tyler pointed the direction and Josh stood up. The other looked behind him for a while and then turned to continue the previous conversation with the girl sitting next to him.

 

As Josh reached the toilet he froze. Alex was standing there, just beside the door, scrolling his phone.

 

_How didn't I see him before?_  he wondered swallowing thickly.

 

He had three choices. Turn around and then explain to Tyler the reason or leave the party and avoid Tyler until he would give up. Or, be brave and remember he had just done his job and he was being oversensitive, and just ignore the other.

 

Which was what he did. But he just didn't succeed because when he was about to reach the door a set of slim fingers wrapped around his wrist.

 

"Hey. Didn't know you're here", Alex said and Josh was actually surprised the smile on his lips was an actual smile and not the smirk he was so used to.

 

"Hey. Didn't know you would be here either."

 

"It was a last minute decision really. So what's up?" Alex continued. He released the grip but shifted closer and now Josh knew that there was a wall behind him.

 

"Nothing much. You?" he answered, trying to just be polite. He wasn't even sure why, but somehow he thought that if he would be mean to Alex he could tell Ashley and then he would lose his income.

 

"Same. Been thinking about the last time, you know? He really likes you, still surprised he was willing to share", the other winked his eye and raked the hair off of his face.

 

Josh swallowed thickly. His instinct was usually right even though he always forgot to listen to it and Alex was too close to him. The heat was radiating off of the guy and Josh felt weird.

 

"Well, I kinda can't say I would like a client but..." he mumbled.

 

"Damn... Well...", Alex took a step forward and Josh was now aware that his back was against the wall.

 

"I'm..." Josh started but then the hand was on his jaw and he felt nauseous. It wasn't how it was supposed to go.

 

"Pretty shiny thing... Don't worry, I'll pay", Alex flicked a thumb over his bottom lip.

 

It wasn't that he couldn't. But the shivers running down his spine were making him overwhelmed.

 

"Oh my god", the other snorted and started to fetch his wallet out. Josh wasn't following. He didn't know what the other meant with the comment, nor what was expected from him. Nor why he couldn't move and leave. But then the bills were on his hand and he froze.

 

"You think too much. We are alone anyway. Besides, it's your job? Right?" Alex nibbled his earlobe carefully and Josh couldn't avoid the grimace that spread on his lips.

 

_Yeah. My job. Exactly,_  he tried to remind himself.

 

And he couldn't even ask what the other wanted when the fingers grabbed the bills and they were pushed to his pocket and then his pants were already being opened and the fingers grabbed his cock.

 

So there he was. At Tyler's party next to the toilet getting jerked off by a person he didn't even want to see. He could honestly say that he hated it, but it wasn't the lowest point. Nowhere near that really.

 

"Fuck you feel so good. I wish I could do more", the other murmured against his neck and Josh gasped for air.

 

And he had to suck it up. Chew his lip and try to think something else and chase down the orgasm and get over it. Alex was licking the skin over his shoulder and he wished he had chosen to wear the hoodie he had left home. The bite mark stung as Alex's teeth grazed over it and Josh was sure it was intentional.

 

Suddenly he was terribly aware that they were stared at and as he glanced he was aghast to notice it was Tyler. But the other stood there just for few a seconds and Josh couldn't even read his expression. It sure wasn't pleased but it wasn't shocked either. Not as much as he expected it to be.

 

Then the other hand tangled to his curls and he opened his mouth to a silent whimper. It hurt, but really the only thing in his mind was the closing orgasm. And Tyler's eyes, but he pushed that thought aside. He would probably get an earful later. But it was nothing that he didn't deserve.

 

"Damn", Alex smirked when the cum spurted on his hand, "Such a good boy."

 

Josh shuddered as the hand trailed now to the back of his neck and Alex held him in place as he pressed the lips on his roughly. He couldn't understand what was happening and why the other was only kissing him harder when he whimpered and tried to move.

 

"Awesome", Alex pulled away, the smirk curling his lips again.

 

Patiently Josh waited. For Alex to leave or let him go so he could leave. Either way, he was paralyzed by the eyes that seemed to be staring straight into his soul.

 

"So... We'll see later", the other finally said and turned around.

 

And Josh waited again, as the other went to wash his hands and then it was his turn. Now he only hoped that Alex would let him be for the rest of the night and Tyler wouldn't say a thing.

 

_Calm the fuck down_ , he thought when he washed his shaking hands.  _You did your job and had some money. You didn't count the money but you got it. Not a big deal. It's over and he is gone. You're fine. Just perfectly fine.  
_

After that, he dried his hands and ignored the confused eyes that would have stared at him back from the mirror. He could barely breathe and it was a wrong place to break down. Again.

 

"Hey. I grabbed you a beer too", Tyler greeted him with a bottle in his hand when he got back.

 

He could have left right then. But Tyler didn't say a thing. He was just as polite as before and told him what they had talked with the girl while he was gone, giving him a chance to participate in the conversation. And he did. Pretty much anything he could, to chase away the doubt in him and the burning sensation that Alex's fingers had left on his neck.

 

A good while later he was in that perfect state when he couldn't really trace where the anxiety came from. Maybe it was the alcohol, but he liked to think it was Tyler who kept talking and smiling. Or maybe  _that_  was the alcohol speaking. That he thought it was a good idea. That he thought Tyler actually cared.

 

But when he left he left in a decent mood and decided to go to bed instantly. Which he should have done since after a shower he was soberer than ever and the reality how fucked up he was hit him straight in the face. Swallowing the tears that just kept coming he threw the book at the wall he had tried to read.

 

He couldn’t even focus on the text so there was no point. But now the problem was that instead of reading the same sentence over an over again his mind was repeating the same things over an over again. The blue eyes that stared way too deep, invading. The fingers that hurt and seemed to left the burning behind. The lips that were way to rougher than he was used to. And the words that seemed to have always another meaning than what was clear.

 

He tried to sleep, but as he closed his eyes only thing he saw was Alex. And it wasn’t fair. He was okay and he should be lucky he had gotten a chance to get money so easily. The money he still hadn’t counted. But somehow he didn’t feel that. Wiping away the tears he let out a heavy sigh. How it all was so empty, was a thing he couldn’t understand.

 

The knock on the door startled him first but when he realized it couldn’t be anyone else than Tyler he got up to his feet. He hesitated for a while. Why would Tyler even be there? They had agreed they would meet the next day, just like always.

 

“Hey”, Tyler said when he opened the door. The street lamps shed light to the dark apartment and Tyler tilted his head. And now Josh regretted that he had opened the door. The eyes were serious and filled with worry. 

 

Without asking Tyler stepped in and closed the door, but it’s not like Josh could have even stopped him. He really should have, but it was too late. It had been too late for a long time.

 

And again, without uttering a single word Tyler sat beside the mattress that served as a bed for Josh. The other stood still beside the door for a while, thinking. But then he decided that he was too tired to fight and taking a few leaps he was under the covers.

 

It was so silent. So silent that Josh could swear he heard his heart beating. Maybe the silence sounded so scary, ominous because he knew what was coming.

 

“So, Alex”, Tyler started and Josh felt like shrinking.

 

“What about him?” Josh answered and he knew his voice was too defending.

 

“You know I’m not judging. I just thought you didn’t like… well, I mean what he did last time. Sure it was the drugs but anyway.”

 

_Yeah. Last time. Maybe it was because of drugs._  Josh thought sarcastically, knowing Tyler didn't know about the last time he had met with Alex.

 

“Yeah. Well. It’s my job.”

 

“Yeah. It is. But… it’s him. I know him enough to know that when he really can fuck things up.”

 

“I… Yeah I kinda got that”, Josh mumbled.

 

Tyler stayed silent. The whole room felt like it was in thick fog. It was hard to breathe and the way Josh was curling on his mattress told he was overwhelmed.

 

“He should have realized it’s wrong.”

 

But Josh didn’t answer.

 

“Did you say no?” Tyler said and Josh gasped in return. Tyler was making him anxious and he really didn't want to see where it was going.

 

“Didn’t. Why would I? It’s my job.”

 

“It is but…” Tyler let out a heavy sigh.

 

"I don't have a choice."

 

"Josh... There's always a choice."

 

And with that, it was silent again. Josh refused to believe the words. He maybe once had had a choice, but not anymore.

 

 

 

\----------------

 


	8. I can't be what you think I am

 

\---------

 

 

"Hey", Tyler sat next to Josh and handed the RedBull can to him.

 

Josh didn't look at him but took the drink. It had been a week. Josh was still overwhelmed but the only way he knew how to deal with it was to dwell and try to push it deeper. Ignore it and hope that it would stay there.

 

Tyler just sat there and Josh noticed how he seemed to be squirming. Like he wanted to say something but didn't know how. But as he also guessed it was about Alex Josh decided to not ask. Besides he didn't care. He never had and he shouldn't now either.

 

He stared at the sidewalk, people passing them by and the RedBull can in his hand. Suddenly it all felt so surreal. This was him. But still, he didn't feel like he belonged. He knew there would never be anything else for him, and yet somehow it didn't feel  _whole_.

 

"Can we talk about it?" Tyler finally managed to say.

 

Josh let out a barely audible sigh and drank from the can. There were things that he didn't speak about. And then there were things he didn't know how to speak about. And part of them entwined to each other. To the point that he really didn't know the difference anymore. Which lead to him not wanting to talk at all.

 

"More than we did?"

 

"Josh. It was barely a talk."

 

He stayed quiet. Tyler sounded like he cared. No one ever cared about anything considering him, or if they did it wasn't real. And he wasn't having it now either.

 

"What is there to talk?"

 

"Maybe the fact that Alex..." Tyler paused and let out a sigh. He could feel how anxious Josh was. "He shouldn't have done it. I'm not blaming you that you didn't tell it to him. I get it. But..."

 

"Do you? Do you really get it? I don't think you have any idea", Josh stood up abruptly surprised of his own outburst, "I'm going."

 

"Josh. Where exactly? I will leave if you want me to. Of course, I will. But..."

 

Tyler stood up too but stayed then still and quiet. The other was staring back at him looking angry but still so overwhelmed that Tyler felt hard to look back.

 

"Hey boys!"

 

There was suddenly a car in front of them on the street and Josh knew it was time to get to work.

 

"Are you both available?"

 

"Wait no, he doesn't...", Josh shook his head.

 

But Tyler grabbed his arm and approached the car, "We are yes."

 

"Hop in", the guy smiled and pushed the back door open.

 

Josh didn't know what to say. There was no way Tyler could handle it. But how could he handle it with Tyler?

 

"So how long have you two been together?"

 

"We..." Josh swallowed already knowing how bad it would be. But he couldn't escape now or Tyler would be alone.

 

"Just a few months", he heard a voice next to him.

 

Josh stayed quiet. Anxious and scared. How did it all end up here?

 

When they reached a motel and the guy opened the door into his room he shook his head smiling, "Look, I can sense there is something up. I don't mind if you decide that you don't want to do this, even though I am disappointed. But I will go to shower and let you two talk meanwhile, okay?"

 

They watched him disappear in the bathroom and only when they heard the stream Josh glanced at Tyler.

 

"What are you doing?"

 

"He wanted both of us."

 

"But you... You are not a whore."

 

"I still kinda am. In a different way. And it's not like I haven't had sex with guys", Tyler snorted.

 

"You don't get it. You...", Josh wanted to yell that Tyler was messing it all up, but the fact was that it was himself doing it. As always.

 

"I didn't even ask what he wants. Or agree with any price."

 

"Okay. Well, if it's not good we can leave then, right?"

 

Josh stared at him like Tyler had said something weird. He wouldn't admit that there had been plenty of times he had accepted smaller price than he normally asked. Because he had had to. Just because he didn't want to see the consequences. And now he didn't want to see Tyler's face when he would tell it.

 

They heard the stream close and both knew they had to decide what to do. Josh still didn't want to do  _this_  with Tyler, whatever it was, but there was also the burning question about the money. What if the guy was his only in the week?

 

"I'm here. It's okay, right?" Tyler said softly.

 

_So you are. Which is exactly why I don't want to be here._

 

"Fine", Josh mumbled just as the guy opened the bathroom door.

 

"Any decisions? Sorry, I didn't even ask your price, I was too surprised that I get to meet you both. You look so cute together", he laughed and started to dig the pocket of the pants he was holding on his hand.

 

Josh cringed. The twinge inside him was making him want to vomit and he wasn't quite sure was it because Tyler was there or because he was there.

 

"What do you want to do?" he asked, turning on the professional switch.

 

"Just you two being cute. And fuck you then", the guy answered.

 

"Okay", Tyler said and glanced at Josh, seeking for confirmation.

 

"Good. Uhm... Is 100 okay? 50 for both of you?" the guy grabbed the bills and offered them to them.

 

They agreed with the price and pushed the money to their pockets. Josh was only glad he didn't have to argue. If anything it was the money that always made him uncomfortable. Telling clients how much they would have to pay of him. A piece of him. If he himself thought he was worth nothing how could he ever argue about it with them?

 

But nothing else was okay. Everything inside him was screaming. Telling him to leave and not see it through. But he didn't know Tyler. It shouldn't have been weird because he didn't even know Tyler. Or maybe that's what made it so weird.

 

The guy went to drop his pants on a chair and approached them then again. Josh bit down to his lip knowing he couldn't back away now. He just had to swallow the uncertainty and the awkward feeling. But Tyler read his state of mind and pulled him to a kiss before he could even do anything else.

 

And it went perfectly well. Tyler had soft lips and the guy had soft hands. Josh managed to act like a professional and push the unnerving thoughts aside. Tyler seemed to go with the flow and mirror everything he did, and Josh didn't know was it because he wanted to serve a proper experience for the client or because he was nervous and didn't know what to do.

 

"Well, thank you. Both. Maybe we will meet again in future. I don't live here but while I come for business trips I have some time for leisure too. Couldn't help to notice you two last time I was here", the guy said when Josh had turned down the ride back.

 

But he really didn't want to go through it all again and so he contented to a polite  _maybe_  and a shy smile which the client accepted.

 

When the door closed behind them Josh gasped when the chills made him shudder. And then he ran. Part of him wanted to stop. Not because he wanted to stay, but because it was rude to just leave. But the other part of him was screaming so obnoxiously loud. Telling him it was all wrong and he needs to run as fast as he could. He heard Tyler shout behind him but he swallowed the tears and ignored the words. And when he finally reached his apartment he sat on the floor and shut his mind off.

 

That night Tyler didn't come. But before he fell asleep on the cold floor he was sure it was better that way.

 

 

~~~~~~~

 

 

The next morning when he woke up and his mind was instantly filled with the black cloud of sadness he rolled on his back and stared at the ceiling. Then he heard the knock again and realized that was what had woken him up.

 

"Josh. Please."

 

Tyler did come after all. Now he wondered why.

 

"I'm sorry if I did something wrong. I thought the money was good so I just... went for it."

 

Josh swallowed. Now he had to open the door. Let the insecurities in.

 

Tyler stayed silent behind the door. And Josh couldn't decide. What would he even say?

 

"Please?"

 

With a sigh, Josh crawled up and opened the door finally. Tyler stood behind it in his crisp white shirt hands deep in his pockets.

 

"Can I come in?"

 

Josh let out another sigh and stepped aside to give some space. The other walked in and sat on the floor, waiting patiently.

 

"Why? Was that some kind of a test?"

 

"What do you mean?" Tyler frowned in confusion.

 

"You don't need to see how I work. It doesn't... It's not like you can get to know me better through my work", Josh mumbled.

 

Tyler felt a pinch inside him. It wasn't about that. But maybe part of him had thought like it so too.

 

"He... asked both of us. And I knew it would mean more money. And also that if I would have declined he maybe would have just left. So... I'm sorry."

 

"It's..." Josh started. But how could he be mad to Tyler when Tyler didn't mean anything bad, but the opposite. It was he himself that had fucked up again.

 

"Can you forgive me? I really thought it would help", Tyler asked, his eyes sparkling with hope.

 

Before Josh managed to open his mouth Tyler had given him his part of the money.

 

"Tyler. No. You can't give me  _your_  money."

 

"Yes, I can. Besides, it's technically yours since I did it for you. And I didn't even do anything", the other shook his head and stared at the crumpled bill.

 

"Except you kissed me and had to witness all that", Josh mumbled. He cringed when the memory surfaced. How could he explain that he was humiliated? That Tyler shouldn't have had to see it. And at the same time he appreciated that Tyler had done it for him. So torn between the two feelings that he didn't know what to do.

 

"I would have kissed you without the money. And... Maybe you think that I can't get to know you better through your work, but don't you think I kinda do? I don't mean the sex, but the professional in you. How your mind works. How you change from this to that and back. And how you feel. I would want to know that too", Tyler smiled softly.

 

Quietly Josh sat on the mattress and chewed his lip. He couldn't tell Tyler how he felt. It would lead only to confusion. And then after some dramatic turns to Tyler leaving him.

 

"I know you can't", Tyler said after a while.

 

Josh stared at the lights that came through from the cracks in the blinds and stayed silent.

 

"Can I guess?"

 

"I hate that", Josh mumbled.

 

"Why? Is it's because I am right?" Tyler asked and Josh turned to look at him.

 

"What are we?" Josh dared to ask finally. Not that he really cared to have a name for  _it_. But to his experience the others always did.

 

"I don't know. I have wanted to think we are friends even though I often feel like you hate me."

 

"I don't hate you", Josh smiled sadly.

 

"I know. And I know you are pushing me away intentionally."

 

Josh felt the squeeze inside him and the words got stuck in his throat. But what difference would it make? Tyler knew he wasn't letting him closer and same time Tyler wasn't going anywhere. Now. There was still the future and someday it would happen.

 

"So. You think it was awkward. That I think it is. I don't. And I don't think that you are any less of a human because of what you do. I'm a drug dealer, remember? You hurt only yourself, I basically enable people to hurt themselves."

 

"I don't..." Josh was about to argue but he realized that Tyler wasn't going to. Nor to change his mind.

 

"You can try to hide from the lies, but they will always find you."

 

Scratching his arm Josh let out a sigh. He didn't know did the truth hurt more when it came from Tyler's mouth or when it tried to tear its way out of himself.

 

"Did you have any nightmares?"

 

"No", Josh shook his head remembering that just half an hour ago he had been sleeping on the floor. But a dreamless sleep, for once.

 

"Good. I thought you would", the other shrugged. "I wish I could stay but I need to get to work."

 

"Right."

 

"But I'll see you later?"

 

"Yeah."

 

Tyler was about to stand up but he sensed the change in Josh's mood. "You don't want me to go."

 

"No."

 

Admitting it was hard for Josh, but maybe it was a passing thing. That he didn't want to be alone.

 

"Okay. Well, I need to. But, you could come with me? I mean, you have some money so maybe you could take a few hours off?" Tyler suggested.

 

Josh pondered it for a second but right now he wanted to be anywhere else than in his own mind.

 

"Okay. Are you... in a hurry? I mean, I would like to shower quickly."

 

"It's fine, I'll wait", Tyler nodded smiling.

 

Josh jumped up and grabbed his towel. He showered as fast as he only could. As he closed the stream and saw himself in the mirror he flinched at the mark on his shoulder. The bite mark had faded quickly, but there was still a clear sign of it. More reminder in his body of the past.

 

"Have you eaten yet?" the other asked as he stepped out from the bathroom and started to find a clean shirt to wear. 

 

"No. I woke up when you came", Josh answered suddenly acknowledging his grumbling stomach.

 

"We could go and eat first? I am hungry."

 

Josh stopped on his tracks and shot a glance towards the other. Tyler was staring at him, his eyes genuine, just like always.

 

"I'm..."

 

"You'll pay me back someday? Okay? I don't expect anything back, I mean. But if you want. I'm not rich but I have always money for a proper toast and RedBull for my friend", 

 

"Okay", Josh nodded slowly and pulled the shirt on.

 

For now, he really didn't want to think further. As far as he remembered he had eaten two days ago.

 

In no time they were sitting on Tyler's corner both eating toasts. Josh sipped from his RedBull and glanced around. It was strange to sit in a different corner. Like that, overall the idea of sitting in a corner of a building, in the ground, seemed strange. He had never even thought how weird it must be for others. The ones working as cashiers, the ones owning businesses. The cleaners, the cooks, the teachers. Everyone worked in a different environment, but none of them waited for their clients sitting on a dirty ground. Nor worked in bed.

 

"This is what you..." he mumbled and waved his hand in the air.

 

"Yeah. This is what I do. We both wait for clients. I do my job mainly here, but you move inside to do yours. That's how it is. Oh, when you are done I need to fetch the packages. You can wait if you want or come with me. It's not too far, ten-minute walk."

 

"I'll come", Josh nodded. Maybe it was good for him to see outside of his bubble too. It was getting crowded there amongst all his thoughts.

 

"Okay", Tyler glanced at him same time surprised and worried. He was so used to Josh wanting to be alone that he suddenly actually being there, present, was different. He just couldn't really see it as a step forward, when Josh still wasn't talking properly.

 

"So! I pick up my daily stuff from here. Sometimes I come here again later. As you know it's not safe to have a lot of drugs on you", Tyler explained.

 

"I never have quite understood how it all works", Josh admitted as Tyler knocked on the door. The place didn't look anything like he thought it would. Like they did in Hollywood movies. It could have been someone's home easily.

 

"And I never quite understood how you work", Tyler smiled back at him.

 

Then a guy opened the door and Josh froze for a second. He always had hated to meet new people. The way they stared, trying to figure him out. The talk as they tried to choose the right words. And he was always worried about what did they think. What impact he gave them. Which made it ironic how he had decided to choose the work he had.

 

"Who's this?" the guy pointed at Josh with a finger that had a black nail polish as they stepped in.

 

"Josh", Tyler answered, like his name would tell Josh's story too.

 

The guy didn't ask further but followed them inside. When they walked to the living room Josh realized it wasn't a normal house after all. It was empty. No furniture. And then he noticed that the windows were covered with newspaper. Tyler walked to a large metal cabinet that was the only furniture there, looking so out of place. He opened the lock on the door and Josh was able to see the contents. But he also couldn't help to notice how the guy kept staring at him. He didn't belong there. Not that he really belonged anywhere, but someone so clearly showing it made him want to shrink away.

 

"Ty, don't stare at him", Tyler said without turning around.

 

"What? You never bring anyone here. That means he is special", the guy said raking his short, bleached hair.

 

Josh gave him another quick glance and could now tell the guy was genuine and just curious. If only that opinion would last. It never did. It was just a first impression.

 

"He is", Tyler answered when he closed the cabinet door and locked it again. The tiny packets he had grabbed he pushed to his pockets. Colourful pills to the other, and the ones with brown powder to another.

 

Chewing his lip Josh's mind filled with questions but he stayed quiet. Not his concern. Not his problem.

 

"Won't be here tomorrow", the guy said as they approached the door.

 

"Let me guess, James' turn?"

 

"Yup."

 

"Cool. See you next time."

 

And with that Tyler gestured Josh outside and pushed the door close.

 

"That was strange", Josh mumbled when they were back on the street. He couldn't decide did he want to know more or not. It was dangerous. But he shouldn't care.

 

"Yeah. Kinda. That's the place. It has always a strange vibe. But Ty is one of the nicest ones of them, so I'm always happy to see him."

 

"Ty?"

 

"Tyler too. He has a stupid nickname but no one uses it."

 

"Right."

 

When they got back to the corner and a familiar face was waiting for them the panic started to boil inside Josh. He shouldn't have come in the first place. 

 

"Alex", Tyler greeted him, and side-glanced Josh who looked like he was about to bolt any second.

 

"Didn't know you work together", Alex raised his eyebrow.

 

Josh huffed silently. If only Alex would have known the whole truth.

 

"We don't. What do you want?"

 

"The usual. But double", Alex kept his eyes on Josh, but Tyler stepped in front of the other, covering the view.

 

"Well, you know the drill", Tyler cocked his head.

 

"Yeah", Alex said and dug up the money from his wallet.

 

In a blink of an eye, the money was in Tyler's hand and two packets in Alex's.

 

"See you", the other said but looking at Josh he made perfectly clear he meant him, not Tyler.

 

"Sorry."

 

"It's fine Tyler. He is your client."

 

_And so he is mine._

 

"And I need to go and work", he tried to draw a smile on his lips but based on Tyler's expression he didn't quite succeed.

 

The rest of the day went just like any other day. Except that Josh had two more clients and now he actually could say he had some money. It was a strange feeling, even though he knew it wouldn't last. And the money wouldn't last long either. After he had done some grocery shopping he decided that he should just go home and get ready for the next day.

 

Shower, dinner and then he was done. Actively he had tried to not think but as there was nothing to do anymore it all came crashing down again. Familiar feeling and a view, as he laid on the mattress and stared at the ceiling. His mind was being loud again and it was only getting worse. He closed his eyes and count to ten. And then again. That was the trick he had always used when he couldn't get sleep when he was younger. Now it just didn't work. He didn't know how long it had been when he heard the knock on the door. Part of him was happy, part of him not.

 

Tyler stepped straight in and went to sit on the same spot as he always did, next to the mattress.

 

"I saw you leave the grocery store. Glad you managed to buy stuff."

 

"Yeah", Josh lay down on the bed and pulled the covers on himself.

 

"You know..."

 

"Are we having the talk again?" Josh asked, interrupting the other.

 

"If you want", Tyler answered humoured by Josh's question. He was right. They always had their talk in the same setting. He didn't mind. Even if hearing about how Josh thought and felt, as small glimpses as they were, hurt him. They were still part of Josh.

 

"I really don't", Josh said. And same time he did. He wanted, he just didn't want to see what would happen after.

 

"I could guess again?", Tyler suggested sifting and raising his eyebrow.

 

Josh let out a sigh and turned around. Not that he could even really see Tyler in the darkness, but somehow facing him and talking such things hurt more. "Time forgets. And forgives."

 

"And heals the wounds."

 

Josh swallowed thickly and shook his head slowly.

 

"But not yours", Tyler continued, guessing.

 

"Not mine", the other admitted and now he just wanted to scream.

 

"What's your goal?"

 

"Huh?"

 

"In life. We all have some goal. Like... do you want the wounds to be healed? Or something... not so gloomy. Maybe a house and a dog and so on."

 

"No. I don't have any goals. All that I have are the mistakes. The mistakes are me", Josh muttered having enough of the conversation. Why did Tyler always dig so deep?

 

"The mistakes don't define you Josh", Tyler said quietly.

 

"They do. I wish you'd be right but you are not. There's nothing good in me."

 

"I wish you'd let me in so I could prove that I am right."

 

"You don't want that. You will just want out. There is a hell and then you would get lost too."

 

 

 

 

\---------------------

 


	9. What if the pain isn't temporary

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey all. So, this chapter is heavy. Please don't read if you are not in the right state of mind. I don't want to trigger anyone :/

 

 

 

\-----------

 

 

Josh didn't want to move. He had been staring at the same spot in his ceiling for hours. Maybe more. The stain there, in the corner, seemed to be bigger and he wished that it would turn into a monster and eat him alive. But the only monsters he believed in were already eating him up, from the inside.

 

He hadn't eaten in days. Somehow like this, laying there, the time seemed irrelevant. And so did the hunger that was gnawing his insides. There had been a moment during the last night when he thought that he would actually die from being so hungry. But it only made him fight harder. To not give up. To not get up, and look was there something to eat in the apartment.

 

The scars on his body were itchy. They never were. And now he wondered was it his body's reaction to him not moving. Wanting him to do something. To get up and  _live._  Or was it the opposite. Was his body rotting, like his mind was too?

 

"Josh. I will stay here as long as it's needed. I need an answer. Please. I know you are there."

 

It was Tyler again. Josh didn't know how many times he had heard the voice and how it seemed a little different every time. A little more desperate. A little more painful.

 

"Josh I am begging. Say something. I haven't seen you in days."

 

"I'm sick", he said and flinched when he heard his own voice. He wasn't even supposed to answer. Or maybe it was a good thing, maybe Tyler would leave him alone.

 

"Oh. Okay. It's... fine. I got worried."

 

Josh knew it wasn't fine. It was nowhere near fine to Tyler, but at least he wasn't expressing his fear. There was already enough fear in the room and if he would let Tyler's in he would suffocate.

 

"Do you need something?"

 

Silence again. He didn't. He really didn't need anything or anyone. Never did. But as he knew Tyler and how he wouldn't give up he bit down to his lip and closed his eyes. Just for a second. He wouldn't fall asleep and let the monsters inside him take control of his body.

 

"No. It's okay", he said finally.

 

"Right", Tyler answered huffing slightly, "I'll see you later then."

 

The hesitation in Tyler's voice was obnoxiously loud, but after a time that felt like an eternity, he heard the other leave.

 

With a sigh, Josh opened his eyes again. As if something had changed. He felt just as sick as before. He hadn’t lied really, he was sick. Just not physically. Even though he knew that if this would continue he would soon be that too.

 

He chewed his lip not wanting to get up. But he also knew that eventually, he had to. A memory tried to surface but he put it back where it belonged.

 

Tearing his eyes off the stain in the ceiling he huffed and forced himself to sit. His stomach rumbled and the skin in his back itched more.

 

He shook his head and decided that he might as well take a shower. Had been too long from that too. Pulling the shirt off of him he finally realized what his mind had done, but instead of focusing on it he pushed that thought aside too. It was too late now anyway.

 

The shower might have been refreshing, but standing under the stream he knew it was that to only his body. Now he wasn’t sweaty, stinking and miserable anymore. Just miserable. He frowned when his fingers caught the dry blood but he didn’t want to see how bad the damage was this time. So he ignored that too, hoping the soap, water and his hand just haphazardly running over the marks would clean all the dried blood. And in his mind, he really didn’t have time for anything else. Even this was exhausting and he fought the urge to drop down on the shower floor and just stay there. At least part of his mind functioned, telling him that it would cost too much to just sit under the running water.

 

After the rinsed the soap from his body he stepped out and wrapped the towel around him. Then he walked to the fridge knowing that the moment he would sit down he wouldn’t be able to get back up again. Ignoring the sun shining outside, and the fact that he had to work, he stared inside the empty fridge. With a heavy sigh, he closed the door and opened the faucet to fill a glass with water. He had been there before so he should have known what it felt like when you drink a full glass of cold water to an empty stomach. But now, that had to do, and maybe the pinching and strangeness in his stomach were worth it.

 

As he turned to get back to the mattress that served as his bed, there was a knock on the door. He knew it was Tyler, who else would it even be. Drooping his head low he decided to go and open the door. Feeling absolutely defeated while the heaviness of his anxiety kept eating him, he greeted the other.

 

“I… don’t know”, Tyler answered, already sensing his mood. He was holding a white styrofoam jar, two apples and a can of RedBull.

 

“Guess I need to let you in”, Josh mumbled and stepped aside.

 

Tyler walked to the kitchen, put the apples to the empty fridge, picked up a spoon from the drawer and handed the jar to Josh motioning him to sit down.

 

“You really don’t. You know that.”

 

“Yeah. But somehow I feel you won’t leave even if I tell you to”, Josh sat on the mattress and opened the jar. Chicken soup. His stomach rumbled, and even if he didn’t really want to, he started to eat it.

 

Tyler placed the RedBull can next to Josh, leaning on the pillow. “Because I am worried. But I will. Josh, I will. If you tell me to leave, I will.”

 

“I sense more ifs coming”, the other said staring into the soup as it would help him.

 

“ _But_  I would want you to let me  _in_.”

 

“And I feel like a  _no_  coming. But you knew that”, Josh glanced at him.

 

Tyler shut his mouth, knowing Josh would just close him out even more if he would continue. Josh ate the whole thing and placed the jar onto the floor with the spoon. He glanced at the RedBull can but decided to move it next to the rest before he sighed and lay down. Wondering why he was so exhausted, as he hadn’t been up for more than an hour his eyes found the stain in the ceiling again. Tyler stayed quiet, but as Josh guessed what he was thinking he decided to say something.

 

“I know you want to say it. So say it. Maybe it makes you feel better.”

 

“You’re not really sick. But it’s okay. Sometimes our minds need a rest too”, Tyler answered ignoring Josh’s mocking tone.

 

“My mind…” Josh started, swallowing around the lump in his throat. His mind needed a rest where it would never wake up.

 

“Can I come there, next to you?” Tyler asked as he didn't continue.

 

Josh moved, giving space for Tyler, but still didn’t say a thing. Too many things to think. Too many worries. Relevant, irrelevant. Too many thoughts and his mind was crowded again. Tyler lay beside him his eyes finding the stain on the ceiling too.

 

And so they stayed. Both staring at the spot, thinking different things. Or Josh wasn’t really even thinking anymore. Just words, things, swirling in his head.

 

“Do you ever feel like your bones are hurting?” he said frowning when Tyler shifted breaking the silence.

 

Tyler shook his head slowly, knowing Josh didn’t even wait for a proper answer. He could feel it. The misery, the agony. That Josh wasn’t even half of what he usually was.

 

“I know you suffer”, he said turning on his side to face the other.

 

Josh raised his eyebrow but didn’t answer. Tyler didn’t deserve it. But, yet he had had a chance to leave. Maybe it was too late. And how he had hoped there was still time.

 

Quietly Tyler lowered his head on Josh’s bare shoulder. Maybe it was a sign of compassion. Or maybe it wasn’t. Josh was too tired of the words inside his head.

 

“You didn’t sleep.”

 

“No, I didn’t.”

 

“Last night?”

 

“Any night.”

 

“The nightmares?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“You need to sleep.”

 

“I can’t. It’s too much.”

 

“Can you sleep now?”

 

Josh chewed his lip again as Tyler pulled the duvet over them and waited for his response.

 

“Maybe try?”

 

"Maybe", the other answered and turned his back to the other.

 

He really didn't even think. Didn't acknowledge the fact that he still didn't have a shirt on and Tyler was way more observant to his own good. But he also knew, that despite the questions Tyler didn't mean anything bad.

 

"What happened?"

 

And there it was. Tyler's cold fingers pressing onto his skin, slowly going around the scars now raw and bloody.

 

"Don't know", Josh mumbled his answer. He really didn't. It was the honest truth.

 

"These should be cleaned", the other said matter-of-factly.

 

Josh didn't answer. And he tried to ignore the shiver that ran through him when Tyler leaned his forehead against his neck and let out a long sigh. Both of them knew Josh didn't care.

 

"I'm sorry."

 

"Tyler."

 

"I am."

 

"I don't deserve your pity", Josh frowned but what he couldn't ignore was the arm wrapping around him. He hated it. He hated absolutely every second that is mind told it was wrong. And that it was too late. That Tyler really wasn't going anywhere.

 

Tyler felt strange against him. His fingers were cold but everything in him emanated warmth. And Josh wanted to push him away. But he also wanted to sleep.

 

And Tyler didn’t let go. His fingers pressed into the skin on Josh's rumbling stomach while his mind was blurring with confusion.

 

“Josh. You need to get out of there.”

 

“I can’t. I’m lost.”

 

“As I said… If you would let me in I could help. I could be the guiding light out.”

 

“But what if the reality is even worse.”

 

Tyler huffed against his neck and Josh shivered when the warm breath fanned his skin. He wanted to close his eyes but he was scared.

 

“What if it’s only now? What if it’s not always that. Life is so much more than here and now.”

 

“I’m tired of living”, he frowned, realising that must be it. That he didn’t know which was worse, the things inside him waiting until he fell asleep. Or the things outside waiting for him to wake up.

 

“And just tired Josh. Try to sleep. Okay?”

 

Josh swallowed thickly, wanting to ask would Tyler stay. If it was too late, Tyler could as well stay for a while.

 

“I need to work, but can I sleep too few hours?” Tyler asked, reading Josh’s hesitation. It was only noon.

 

“Yeah”, Josh murmured and closed his eyes.

 

Tyler’s fingers weren’t cold anymore and his calmness was surrounding Josh now too. And maybe it was because Tyler or maybe Josh was just that exhausted, that he did fall asleep.

 

And when he woke up the first thing that overwhelmed him was that he hadn’t had nightmares. He had slept restlessly, but as the dreams had stayed away he relaxed slightly. Tyler was awake too, sitting next to the bed and scrolling through his phone.

 

"I woke up maybe ten minutes ago", he said as Josh kept staring at him without saying anything.

 

"I slept. No nightmares."

 

"I kinda guessed when you woke up that calmly."

 

"And you need to go to work I guess", Josh mumbled.

 

"Can I come back later?" Tyler asked carefully. Based on Josh's earlier behavior he was torn.

 

"I think you would come even if I would say no."

 

Tyler didn't answer. Part of him agreed, part of him didn't. Josh seemed to need the help, but what could he do if Josh wasn't accepting it.

 

"I'll bring some food too", Tyler continued.

 

Slowly Josh just nodded. He wasn't quite sure why Tyler still stuck around but he was too exhausted to argue.

 

When Tyler left he sat there staring at the door for quite a while. He had two choices. To go and work too, or to stay. He really didn't want to go and wait for the possible clients. But to stay there alone, inside those four walls, made him feel weird. Maybe it was the fact Tyler's presence was still lingering there. Letting out a sigh he got up and went to put clothes on. Then he opened the can of RedBull and took a sip of the already warm liquid. Chewing his lip he still pondered should he go. Then there was a knock on the door and his train of thought stopped right there. He frowned but got up.

 

"Hey. Haven't seen you in a while."

 

Alex stood there behind his door, leaning to the frame with his other hand. Josh thought he should be lucky. That a guy looking that good was interested in him. To actually pay for his service.

 

Alex’s hair was messily drooping on his forehead and he was staring at Josh with his eyebrow cocked and a small smirk painted on his lips. Just a softer version of the one Josh was too familiar with.

 

“Can I come inside?” he asked and Josh wasn’t even sure how to respond. No client had ever been in his apartment. But Alex walked in without waiting for him to answer, closing the door behind himself.

 

“How did you..?” he started, hoping it wasn’t really what he assumed it was, but Alex had already approached him. The panic settled in when his back hit the wall.

 

“Does it really matter? Would it change this?” Alex asked his hands perched up high on the wall when he leaned closer.

 

Josh wanted to say it did. Part of him did. There was a voice in the back of his mind reminding this wasn’t how it was supposed to be. But his professional self had already stepped in, reminding him that Alex was a paying customer. And there was nothing wrong in him or in that.

 

“Oh my… Not just a shiny thing today huh… A polished version”, Alex spoke to his ear with the low tone, inhaling his scent, still fresh from the shower.

 

Josh swallowed thickly, forcing the grimace away. Alex’s hands were now on his waist, slowly feeling the tiny strip of skin revealed from under his shirt. Not far from the now open scars, he realized.

 

“You still think too much”, the other laughed, “Relax. You know I got the money, right? It’s not like I would have bothered to come all the way here with nothing.”

 

And without saying more Alex had already opened his wallet and pushed the crumbly bills in Josh’s pocket. And the next the lips were on his throat and Josh gasped for air. Once again he didn’t even know what was expected from him as Alex never told. He just did as he liked. Alex’s thumbs rubbed his abdomen while he kissed along his throat and up to the jawline and then back down to the shoulder. Josh shivered when the teeth scraped his collarbone.

 

As the other took half a step back the smirk had reappeared and Josh was paralysed. There was always something so wrong in the way Alex stared at him that he didn’t know how to be.

 

“Josh”, he murmured and started to open his buttons.

 

Even the way Alex said his name, made his insides stir. In every bad way possible. Then he was pushed on his knees. He was in the corner and the only way out was around Alex. But he had work to do, so he might as well deal with it. So his mind told him, while the other voice screamed him to do something. To give the money back and direct Alex out of his apartment.

 

“I don’t have condoms”, he mumbled.

 

“Don’t need one. I just want to fuck your pretty mouth”, Alex tilted his head, like making sure he got the point.

 

“But I…” Josh started but the other grabbed his hair interrupting him. Not too hard. Not hard enough to his mind to start working properly.

 

“Oh I know you do it just right”, the other mumbled waiting for him to react.

 

What was he going to do? Pushing the hesitation aside he grabbed the cock and wrapped his lips around it, knowing that the longer he would wait the longer it would take to get rid of Alex.

 

He went slow first. Not because he wanted, but because he guessed if he would have started fast Alex would have noticed and then it would have had other consequences.

 

The panic inside him tried to surface but he forced it back inside. No time for it. No time to break down. This was his job. He had the money and he had chosen it.

 

But even if he worked hard and did well it wasn’t enough for Alex. Because Alex was one of those people who had to push the other over the edge. To see them crumbling down to get the ultimate satisfaction. And Josh knew it wasn’t all sexual. So when Alex grabbed his hair, harder this time, he knew he wasn’t going to get away so easily. Now he was back against the wall and Alex’s hand in his hair making sure he did his job well enough for him.

 

And now he couldn’t breathe anymore properly. Alex’s pace was fast, but the hand in his hair wasn’t giving up. His insides twisted. It would be over soon. It would. It never lasted long.

 

“Look how pretty you are”, Alex mumbled breathily.

 

Josh wasn't. Anything. He was scared that if he would open his eyes he would, in fact, see himself. There, tears were streaming down his red cheeks as he tried to breath through his nose. The idea made him want to throw up.

 

The other grunted and the fingers tangled deeper in his hair. Josh knew he was just there, on the edge, but he himself was far gone. Immersed by something unnamed, he felt it wasn't really him there anymore.

 

"Sweetie... Come on, eyes up here", Alex swallowed.

 

Josh froze up. His mind was shutting down and he barely even heard the words. But then the hand tightened in his curls and the low growl sent shivers down his spine. And the way Alex stared at him when he finally opened his eyes. Mouth slightly open as the climax was crashing over him, and then smirking. And then he pulled the cock from Josh's mouth and released the load on his face.

 

Gasping for air Josh sat there, the cum slowly mixing with his tears. Now the tears following were laced with embarrassment and confusion. He sat like that, paralyzed, even when Alex closed his buttons and crouched in front of him. His scalp was already burning, or maybe he was just imagining it when the fingers raked his curls again.

 

"God, you're so beautiful. Just like that", Alex whispered to his ear but to Josh, it was just a bundle of words, noise.

 

He stared at the floor, hoping that the stain in the ceiling would now turn into a monster. Eat him. Them. Just end it all. The lips were rough on his throat, leaving small nips behind. But he already guessed what was coming. As the teeth sunk into his shoulder he grimaced, letting out a miserable cry. And Alex lingered. The hot breath against the bite mark, and the tongue lapping over it. And then a satisfied hum leaving his lips. Then Alex was already getting up to his feet and Josh finally managed to take a full breath.

 

"I hope I see you soon", Alex tilted his head and stepped out then from the door.

 

Josh sat there, still paralyzed. He didn't know what to do now. Every time he tried to think his mind started racing and he only barely managed to stop it. It was going to places he didn't want it to go.

 

Finally, he stood up walking straight to the bathroom. Quickly shedding the clothes on the floor he ignored again the face that would have stared himself back in the mirror. After third or fourth time lathering the soap and rinsing the foam he decided to give up. He wasn't going to get any cleaner when it all was inside his head.

 

As he stepped out from the bathroom he couldn't move further. Dropping there on his knees he slowly leaned against the wall and then sat, pulling the knees against his chest. His breathing was quickly getting ragged, but he swallowed and dug his thumbnails to his calves, trying to force the feeling away.

 

The next time he awoke someone was knocking the door. He shivered, but he knew it wasn't Alex. It couldn't be. He stared at the door, like hoping the person, Tyler, behind it, would take a hint.

 

"Josh. Please. It's getting cold."

 

Chewing his lip he crawled up. He was shaking, but his mind told him that it was because he hadn't eaten.

 

"Finally. I knocked so long", Tyler said, but then his expression changed, knowing something was up.

 

"Josh", he continued when the other backed away swallowing the tears. He left the takeaway food he had brought on the floor and glanced around, searching for something that could explain Josh's behaviour.

 

He approached the other but Josh wasn't now even looking at him. Just walking straight to the spot he had been sitting. Tyler stared, not knowing where to even start.

 

"What's going on?" Tyler frowned and sat next to the other.

 

Josh was drawing to himself more than before. Even how much Tyler had gotten used to it wasn't preparing him to it. As he touched Josh's arm Josh shivered under his touch and flinched. But even that he did like he didn't want Tyler to know. He frowned, staring at the other.

 

And inside his head, Josh was disappearing. Tyler was there, trying. But he couldn't focus to it when all in his mind was blurring. He wanted to tell Tyler to leave, to not  _be there_  but he couldn't.

 

"Hey!" Tyler exclaimed when Josh let out a sharp, panicked breath, obviously accidentally.

 

"No, don't. I'm fine, I..." Josh started but then he was already choking to the words.

 

And Tyler watched him break down into millions of tiny little pieces. There was nothing else he could do. Josh tried to force his breathing back to normal, but Tyler's presence made it so hard. 

 

Josh wasn't even crying. His breathing stayed laboured as he tried to hang on to anything to keep him sane.

 

"Don't say this is about Alex. He came to get his dose, talking about how much fun you are", Tyler spoke softly, trying to hide his own agitation.

 

"You and your guessing", Josh gasped, trying to push the thought aside. He knew what was coming. He knew it was inevitable. He was already drowning and didn't know a way out.

 

"He...", Tyler gasped, first his eyes and then his fingers catching the bitemark on Josh's shoulder.

 

"This isn't..." he continued wondering where did all the words suddenly disappear. His heart was breaking because Josh was hurting. The misery was almost unbearable, burying them under.

 

"It is. My job."

 

"Josh no. It's a tiny word, you can say it."

 

"It's fine", Josh said, knowing that he was trying to convince himself more than Tyler.

 

"Then why does it hurt so much?" Tyler asked watching as Josh shook his head slowly.

 

"But... the pain. It's temporary."

 

"Is it? Has it ever been?"

 

 

 

\----------

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Kudos and reviews are highly appreciated too.


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